Find Answers to Your Questions ~ MiStory Community

Question 1

I wrote about my story before, but I left out something that also causes me guilt, shame and disgust. When I was little (between 6 and 8 years old), I saw my parents having sex in the same bed where I was sleeping. I could see and hear everything because they had the light on. Years later, during my teenage years, I sometimes used those images from my memory to masturbate. This makes me feel like I'm a sick person. Is there something wrong with me? I feel very ashamed.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced wasn't your fault, and your later reaction doesn't indicate that there's something wrong with you. What you're describing is a completely understandable response to an experience you should never have had as a child.

When children are exposed to adult sexual activity, this is considered a form of sexual abuse called "inappropriate sexual exposure." Even though your parents may not have intended to harm you, this exposure can create what trauma specialists call "traumatic early sexualization." Your child brain stored these images before you had the cognitive development to process them in a healthy way.

During adolescence, when your sexuality began developing naturally, your mind drew upon the only concrete sexual images it had available. This is a normal neurological response, not a conscious choice or a reflection of your moral values. Early sexual trauma can create confusing connections between sexual arousal and disturbing memories, which is a survival response of the brain, not a personal failing.

The feelings of shame and disgust you describe are common reactions to sexual trauma. Many people who have lived through similar experiences carry these feelings without realizing they are normal symptoms of having been exposed to something inappropriate during their development. Your ability to recognize these feelings and seek answers shows strength and self-awareness.

It's very common for people who had inappropriate early sexual exposure to experience exactly the feelings you describe: guilt, shame, and confusion about their own normal sexual responses. These feelings are valid, but the shame you feel belongs to the inappropriate situation you experienced, not to you as a person. Your sexual response during adolescence was a normal function of development, even when the images came from a problematic experience.

Healing is possible. A therapist who specializes in sexual trauma can help you process these experiences and develop strategies for managing difficult feelings. You deserve to live without this burden of shame. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 2

As a child, I experienced sexual abuse and repeated exposure to sexual content from a very young age. During my adolescence, I sometimes used these memories for stimulation, and once I became aroused by explicit video content. I feel tremendous guilt about these reactions and wonder if it's possible to forgive myself. I also notice that certain sounds arouse me and don't know if this is normal. Is it possible to heal from this guilt and understand these reactions?

Accepted Answer

I want to begin by telling you that your ability to reflect on these experiences with such honesty requires extraordinary courage. What you describe are completely understandable responses to early trauma and premature sexual exposure.

When children are exposed to sexual content or experiences before being developmentally ready, the brain stores these experiences in complex ways that can influence physical and emotional responses years later. Your body learned to respond to certain stimuli during a critical developmental period, and these neurological responses don't reflect something "sick" in you--they reflect how your nervous system adapted to experiences you shouldn't have had to process as such a young child.

Without proper guidance or appropriate sexual education, it's natural that you tried to make sense of these experiences in the only ways you knew how. The sexual responses you had as a child and adolescent are actually predictable reactions to premature sexual exposure and abuse. When children are sexually abused or exposed to adult sexual content, they often exhibit what professionals call "sexual behavior problems" to make sense of confusing experiences and sensations they weren't developmentally ready to understand. Children often mimic behaviors they've seen without fully grasping their meaning, especially when they've been exposed to inappropriate material or abuse.

It's important to understand that physical arousal is an involuntary nervous system response. The fact that your body responded to memories or visual content doesn't make you complicit in your own trauma, nor does it mean you enjoyed the abuse. Many survivors experience confusing physical responses that can generate deep shame, but these reactions are symptoms of trauma, not evidence of guilt. Feeling guilt or shame about using memories from childhood as a source of arousal during adolescence is a common experience for survivors of early exposure to sexual content. Your brain was trying to make sense of sexuality using the only references it had, even if they were inappropriate.

Regarding the sounds you mention, it's common for early trauma to create neurological associations that persist into adulthood. Your brain formed connections during experiences you couldn't fully process as a child, and these connections can trigger involuntary physical responses. It's also important to understand that being aroused by certain stimuli, such as sexual sounds, can be a normal response. Human sexuality is complex, and our bodies and minds can associate arousal with various stimuli based on our experiences. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Arousal responses are often automatic and don't reflect your character or morality.

Self-forgiveness is not only possible, but it's an act of justice toward the child you were. That child didn't choose any of these experiences, and the adolescent who tried to understand confusing sensations and impulses was navigating the consequences of trauma without the necessary tools or support. The feelings of guilt you're experiencing are understandable, but it's important to recognize that you were a child and later an adolescent trying to navigate complex situations without adequate support or understanding. Self-compassion is a vital part of healing. The guilt you feel belongs to the adults who failed to protect you, not to you.

Healing from this guilt is a process that can benefit enormously from support from a therapist specialized in childhood sexual trauma. Therapies like EMDR or somatic approaches can help you process both the traumatic memories and the physical responses that create confusion. Many survivors find it helpful to speak with someone who understands trauma and can provide a safe space to explore these feelings.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 3

I experienced sexual abuse as a child by two uncles. I believe I have PTSD, depression, and developed OCD. I feel very bad because I think that sometimes I fantasized about my two uncles when I was a teenager and a few years ago (around age 21-22). I'm not sure if this is real because my OCD involves false memories. But I seem to remember that while dancing with one uncle, I liked feeling him close. I'm wondering if this happens with other survivors.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're describing is something that many survivors experience, and I want you to know that having these kinds of thoughts or feelings does not make what happened to you any less wrong, nor does it mean you wanted or caused the abuse. The confusion you're feeling is a common and understandable response to childhood sexual abuse, especially when the abuse was perpetrated by family members.

When abuse happens during childhood and adolescence, it can deeply affect how our brains and bodies develop and respond to closeness, touch, and arousal. Children and teenagers are still learning about boundaries, relationships, and their own sexuality. When abuse occurs during these formative years, it can create confusing associations between the person who hurt you and feelings of attention, closeness, or even physical sensations that your body might have responded to. This doesn't mean you wanted the abuse or that you're responsible for it in any way. It means your developing brain was trying to make sense of something that should never have happened. Trauma can sometimes blur the lines between what we feel in a moment of survival and how we later interpret or remember that experience, especially when another condition like OCD is also at play.

It's also important to acknowledge what you've shared about having OCD with false memories. This adds another layer of complexity because OCD can make it incredibly difficult to trust your own recollections and can create intrusive thoughts that feel real but may not reflect actual events or genuine desires. The uncertainty you're experiencing about whether these memories or feelings are real is part of how OCD can challenge survivors, making it hard to distinguish between what actually happened, what you actually felt, and what your OCD is making you question. When you have OCD, it can add extra layers of uncertainty and self-doubt about what is or is not real.

Many survivors speak of similar moments of confusion, questioning their experiences or feeling shame when they recall any instance where they might have welcomed closeness, even briefly. Having a brief sense of comfort or excitement during a dance, or later recalling fantasies about the person who hurt you, does not mean you consented to the abuse or that you are responsible for it in any way. It is common for survivors to carry guilt or shame about natural human responses and fleeting moments of warmth they might remember, such as enjoying a dance, seeking approval, or wanting comfort. These thoughts do not erase what was done to you, nor do they diminish the impact of the abuse. Trauma can create complicated feelings toward the people who caused harm, especially when those people are family members who may have also shown you kindness or attention at times. This doesn't change the fact that what they did was abuse and was not your fault. You were a child when the abuse began, and children cannot consent or be responsible for adult behavior toward them, regardless of any feelings or responses they may have had.

Be gentle with yourself and recognize that no part of you ever asked to be harmed. Having this awareness may be upsetting, but it does not define you or your healing journey. You did nothing wrong by seeking or remembering moments of closeness, and acknowledging these thoughts or fantasies now is just another step toward understanding your past on your own terms. Your healing journey is yours, and you deserve support as you process these difficult and painful experiences. You are worthy of support, care, and the opportunity to unpack these feelings at a pace that feels right for you.

Question 4

I developed OCD a few months ago related to false memories and sexuality, which I believe is a consequence of trauma. My memory was affected by past experiences and now I have intrusive thoughts accompanied by "groinal response" - an uncomfortable physical sensation in my intimate area that I also experience in situations of anxiety or discomfort. Could you explain more about this physical reaction and why it might be confused with arousal? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it even happens when I read stories that generate anxiety for me.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and confusing. What you're describing is a very common experience among trauma survivors and people with OCD, especially when there are themes related to sexuality.

The "groinal response" you mention is an involuntary physical reaction that many people with OCD experience. It's important to understand that when we talk about "arousal" in physiological terms, it doesn't always refer to sexual arousal. Your body can experience physiological arousal due to stress, which is simply the state of alertness or activation of the nervous system, without any sexual connotation.

When you experience anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or situations that generate discomfort, your autonomic nervous system activates. This system controls automatic bodily functions including heart rate, digestion, and yes, sensations in the genital area. The "fight or flight" response can cause a variety of physical symptoms: increased heart rate, sweating, muscle tension, and heightened sensitivity in various parts of the body, including the genitals.

The pathways in our brain that process anxiety and those that process physical sensations are closely connected. Intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, even if they are unwanted and cause you distress, can trigger physical sensations simply because of how our nervous systems are wired. This doesn't mean that you're actually feeling sexual desire or arousal-- it's an automatic bodily response that you don't have control over.

Trauma can make our nervous system more reactive, and OCD can make us pay more attention to these sensations and give them more meaning than they actually have. It's completely understandable that you feel embarrassed, but these reactions are involuntary and don't reflect your true feelings, desires, or intentions.

Your ability to identify these patterns and seek understanding demonstrates tremendous self-awareness and strength. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you're taking positive steps by seeking information and support. Consider working with a therapist specialized in trauma and OCD who can help you better understand these responses and develop strategies to manage both the intrusive thoughts and the physical reactions that accompany them. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 5

I feel disconnected from myself. I experienced sexual abuse when I was very young (at 4 or 5 years old by my uncles) and was exposed to inappropriate situations, which caused my memory to fragment. For months now, I've been dealing with severe OCD focused on false memories and sexuality. I have obsessive doubts about whether I became aroused while watching explicit content, and I feel overwhelming guilt and depression. I'm terrified that I might be like the people who abused me, or that I acted inappropriately in ways I don't remember. How can I cope with these intrusive thoughts and the intense guilt I'm experiencing?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Experiencing abuse at such a young age can have profound and lasting effects, and it's understandable that you're grappling with these painful emotions and thoughts now.

What you're experiencing is incredibly common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and I want you to know that these thoughts don't define who you are. It's important to remember that the intrusive thoughts and doubts you're experiencing are not a reflection of who you are as a person. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can cause unwanted, intrusive thoughts that can be distressing and unsettling. These thoughts often focus on topics that are the most upsetting to us, which is why they can feel so disturbing.

Feeling guilty or worried about these thoughts doesn't mean that you are like your uncles or that you would ever harm anyone. The very fact that these thoughts distress you shows that they go against your true values and beliefs. You're not alone in experiencing this. Many people with OCD have similar struggles with intrusive thoughts.

Childhood trauma can create patterns of obsessive thinking and doubts about our own nature, especially when combined with OCD. The traumatized brain often creates confusing connections between past experiences and present responses. When you were abused as a child, your brain and body were still developing, and any involuntary physiological responses you may have had mean nothing about your character or intentions. Children don't have the capacity to consent or fully understand sexual experiences, and any bodily response was simply an automatic biological reaction.

OCD with sexual and false memory themes is particularly cruel because it directly attacks our sense of moral identity. These obsessive thoughts are not predictions about your future behavior nor confessions of hidden desires. They are symptoms of a disorder that feeds on your deepest values and greatest fears. The fact that these thoughts cause you so much distress is evidence that they go against your true values.

The guilt you feel is understandable but not based in reality. You are a survivor dealing with the complex aftermath of trauma, not someone who shares the characteristics of those who harmed you. The fundamental difference is that you feel empathy, guilt, and concern for others' wellbeing, while those who commit abuse typically lack these qualities.

Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance, particularly one with experience in the intersections of trauma and OCD. They can help you work through these feelings and develop strategies to manage the intrusive thoughts. You might also consider medication if a psychiatrist recommends it, as it can help reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts. Perhaps ask your medical doctor about that at your next health appointment.

You do not have to face this alone. There are people who care and want to help you navigate through this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself. Healing from trauma takes time, and it's okay to seek help along the way. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 6

When I was young, two family members sexually abused me, though my memories of this are unclear and distant. I've questioned whether these experiences really happened because the memories are so blurry. I also experienced other inappropriate sexual exposure during childhood, including witnessing adult sexual activity and accessing explicit content without guidance or education. During this time, I engaged in sexual exploration with a cousin close to my age, and I'm deeply worried that I may have initiated or influenced these interactions because of what happened to me. I also experienced an unwanted physical response while holding my baby sister, which has caused intense distress and intrusive thoughts. I struggle with severe self-blame and wondering if my childhood experiences made me harmful to others. How do I process these complex childhood experiences and the intense shame and confusion I feel about them?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on and talk about such difficult childhood experiences, especially ones that have been causing you pain and confusion for so many years.

What you've shared reflects the profound complexity of childhood sexual trauma and its lasting effects. From what you've described, it's clear that you were exposed to situations and content as a child that you weren't equipped to understand or process. Being sexually abused by family members at such a young age was a profound violation of your trust and safety, and these experiences are unfortunately common among survivors. The confusion, self-doubt, and shame you're feeling are natural responses to the trauma you endured, not reflections of your character or worth as a person.

Memory difficulties are extremely common with childhood sexual abuse, especially when it occurs at very young ages. It's common for memories of traumatic events from early childhood to be blurry or fragmented. Our minds sometimes protect us by making these memories less accessible, and the brain's memory systems are still developing during early childhood when trauma can significantly impact how memories are stored and retrieved. The fact that your memories feel distant, confusing, or unclear doesn't mean they didn't happen or that their impact isn't significant. Many survivors experience exactly what you're describing including fragmented memories, uncertainty about details, and periods of doubting their own experiences.

Witnessing adult sexual activity and accessing explicit content further exposed you to material long before you were ready to understand it. Without proper guidance or sexual education, it's natural that you tried to make sense of these experiences in the only ways you knew how. The sexual behaviors you engaged in as a child, including exploration with your cousin, are actually predictable responses to premature sexual exposure and abuse. When children are sexually abused or exposed to adult sexual content, they often exhibit what professionals call "sexual behavior problems" to make sense of confusing experiences and sensations they weren't developmentally ready to understand. Children often mimic behaviors they've seen without fully grasping their meaning, especially when they've been exposed to inappropriate material or abuse.

The interactions with your cousin were a part of this confusing landscape, and at such a young age, neither of you had the maturity or knowledge to fully understand what you were doing. The fact that you are now worried about having initiated those interactions reflects your deep sense of responsibility and care, but it's important to remember that as a child, you were not in control of the environment or the influences around you. You were navigating a world where boundaries were not properly set or respected by the adults in your life. Your deep concern about potentially initiating sexual activity with your cousin demonstrates your moral conscience and empathy. These qualities distinguish you from those who harmed you.

Feeling haunted by these memories and wondering if your childhood experiences made you harmful to others is a heavy burden to bear. However, there's a fundamental difference between the actions of an adult who abuses a child and a child's innocent exploration influenced by external factors they don't understand. You were a child trying to understand the confusing and inappropriate situations you were exposed to, not someone intentionally causing harm. Children who have been sexually abused often worry they've become abusive themselves, but engaging in age-inappropriate sexual behavior as a child victim is fundamentally different from an adult choosing to abuse a child. These behaviors don't make you responsible for your abuse, nor do they make you like your abusers.

The unwanted physical response you experienced while holding your baby sister is another example of how natural physical responses can be misinterpreted, especially when you're already dealing with guilt and confusion from past experiences. The intrusive thoughts and physical responses you've experienced are symptoms of trauma and possibly OCD, not indicators of dangerous desires or intentions. Physical sensations can occur without any malicious intent or desire, and trauma can cause the nervous system to react in ways that feel frightening and confusing, creating unwanted physical responses that have nothing to do with your actual feelings or intentions. The fact that this caused you distress and led to obsessive thoughts shows how deeply you care about not causing harm to others. These reactions are your trauma speaking, not your true self.

It's understandable that you've struggled with severe self-blame, feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness, but these are serious symptoms that deserve professional attention. The experiences you've had and the actions you took as a child do not define your worth as a person. You were placed in situations that no child should have to navigate, and you did the best you could with the limited understanding and resources you had at the time. You are not a bad person. You are a trauma survivor whose nervous system and thought patterns have been shaped by experiences that were never your fault.

You deserve kindness, compassion, and forgiveness especially from yourself. Healing from such complex childhood experiences can be challenging, but it's also possible. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can help you process these complex experiences, develop tools for managing intrusive thoughts, and rebuild a sense of safety within yourself. You don't have to carry this burden alone, and seeking help is a sign of strength and self-care.

Please know that you are not alone, and you are deserving of love, happiness, and all the good things life has to offer. Healing is possible, and you deserve support, compassion, and care - especially from yourself. Thank you again for trusting us with your story.

Question 7

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 8

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 9

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 10

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 11

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 12

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 13

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 14

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 15

So how do you heal from trauma?

Accepted Answer

While there is no simple answer to this question, here is a summary of what we discussed this week that may help.

First, safety and security is an important foundation to trauma recovery. If you are able, separate yourself from locations or people that trigger painful memories or perpetuate abuse. Establish a safe and nurturing environment to provide a strong foundation and minimize harm that can occur when you do not have a safe place to heal.

Next, build your support network. This can be people in your personal life, trusted professionals, or a community of survivors. Processing trauma can be challenging at times, and is important to have people to fall back on to encourage you to keep going even when things get tough.

When you feel ready to tell your story, it may be time to disclose and process your traumatic experience. We suggest doing this with a trained professional, but you can also seek out educational materials on your own, engage in journaling or other self-reflection activities, or share your experience with a trusted friend or family member.

With the help of these modalities, challenge your negative internal dialogue that may be telling you that you are to blame or that perpetuates feelings of shame related to your experience. Recognize that violence is systemic and no matter what event occured, it is never your fault.

If you experience challenging negative thoughts or symptoms, experiment with self-soothing and coping strategies to find what works for you. Learning to manage your emotions or symptoms can help you feel like you have more control over your life and future.

Finally, look inwards with curiosity to reconnect to your true self as you find things that make you feel capable, hopeful, and powerful. While your trauma may always be a part of you, as you find more things that hold meaning to you, it will slowly become less central.

Healing is an active process. It may be painful at points and you may have setbacks, but it is possible. Set goals for yourself, acknowledge small victories, and let people in. You deserve so much more than what you have experienced. Thank you for engaging in our healing week with us. We are here for you always.

Question 16

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 17

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 18

I was exposed to adult content online at a very young age (8-9) when given unrestricted internet access. This led me to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior with my younger sister on one occasion. Even though I've told my parents and closest friends who all believe I deserve forgiveness, I'm consumed by guilt and feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. How do I move forward from this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hear the pain and remorse in your words and I understand why the memory of that moment continues to trouble you. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, and your feelings of guilt show both your moral development and your capacity for empathy. From what you've described, you were both very young at the time, navigating curiosity about things you'd seen that you were not old enough to process. While it may feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that you were a child without the knowledge or context to fully grasp the meaning or consequences of the behavior.

When children are exposed to sexual content before they're developmentally ready to understand it, they sometimes act out what they've seen without comprehending the full meaning or impact. This is called "problematic sexual behavior" in children, and it's fundamentally different from adult sexual abuse because it lacks the intent, power dynamics, and understanding that characterize adult perpetration. Children at that age often explore or mimic what they encounter, especially when they're exposed to adult content too soon. Your brain at 8-9 years old simply wasn't equipped to understand the adult content you encountered or to predict the consequences of recreating what you saw. This does not make you a bad person.

The guilt you feel now shows how seriously you take what happened and how deeply you care about doing the right thing. Your parents and friends believe you deserve a second chance because they see who you are now and recognize that you were a child exploring and reacting to confusing experiences. They understand this developmental context and are responding with compassion because children who engage in these behaviors typically do so because they're trying to make sense of something they witnessed but couldn't fully process.

Moving forward involves recognizing that you were also a victim in this situation -- a victim of premature sexualization through unrestricted internet access. While you take appropriate responsibility for your actions, you don't need to carry adult-level guilt for childhood behavior that resulted from your own exposure to harmful content. It might also help to remind yourself that one regretful action does not define your worth or your future, especially when it happened at such a young age. You acknowledged the harm, you've talked about it, and you're striving to be accountable. That willingness to face what happened and to seek healthy ways to cope shows personal growth.

If you continue to feel overwhelmed by shame or disgust, it might help to speak with a trusted professional who understands childhood development and can offer a safe space to process your feelings. Many people have found that learning more about how early exposure to explicit material affects children can bring understanding and self-compassion over time. Children who engage in problematic sexual behavior can and do grow up to be healthy, caring adults who contribute positively to the world. The shame you're carrying is understandable but not proportionate to your actual moral responsibility as a child who was inadequately protected from harmful content.

You deserve kindness and understanding, both from yourself and from others, as you continue to move forward. Healing is possible, and you absolutely deserve to build a meaningful, connected life free from the weight of childhood mistakes made without full understanding. Thank you so much for reaching out to us.

Question 19

How did you recover from sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. Recovery after sexual assault is a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for each survivor. Drawing from research on trauma healing, I want to share some insights about the recovery process while acknowledging that there is no single "right" way to heal. Your path and timeline are your own.

Research shows that healing after sexual assault is often nonlinear - it's common to have periods of progress followed by difficult days or weeks. This pattern is completely normal. Recovery requires both active engagement with your healing process and patience with yourself when you need time to rest or process. Think of healing not as a straight line forward, but as a gradual unfolding that sometimes moves in spirals or cycles.

Several key elements often emerge as important parts of the healing journey...

Processing the trauma in your own time and way is essential. This might involve making sense of what happened, examining your responses and needs, and gradually releasing self-blame. Remember that what happened was not your fault. Many survivors work with trauma-informed counselors who can provide a safe, nonjudgmental space to process emotions and develop coping strategies. You get to decide when and how to engage with your experience.

Managing difficult emotions and responses is another crucial aspect. Survivors often experience anxiety, depression, nightmares, flashbacks, or changes in how they relate to others. These are natural trauma responses, not signs of weakness. Learning strategies to cope with these feelings can help you feel more grounded. This might include mindfulness practices, physical activity, creative expression like journaling or art, or other approaches that resonate with you personally.

Self-care becomes especially important during this time. This means not only tending to your physical needs through healthy eating, movement, and rest, but also being gentle with yourself emotionally. Small acts of self-care - whether taking a warm bath, spending time in nature, or engaging in a hobby you enjoy - can help restore a sense of connection with yourself.

Rebuilding your sense of self is a central part of healing. Assault can impact how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Taking time to reconnect with your identity, values, and strengths - separate from the trauma - is valuable. This might involve returning to activities you enjoyed before, discovering new ones that help you feel like yourself, or finding ways to express yourself creatively through writing, art, or music.

Finding support through safe relationships can provide crucial validation and care. This could be through trusted friends, family, survivor support groups, or counselors. Many find that sharing their experience with someone they trust helps lighten the emotional burden. Support groups, whether in-person or online, can help reduce feelings of isolation by connecting you with others who understand. You get to choose who to tell about your experience and when.

Regaining a sense of power and hope is possible, even if it feels distant right now. Small steps like making choices about your healing journey, setting boundaries, or engaging in meaningful activities can help rebuild your sense of control. Hope often grows gradually as you discover your capacity for resilience.

Some practical resources that may help:

RAINN's 24/7 hotline (800.656.HOPE) connects you with trained advocates who understand trauma
Many communities have sexual assault resource centers offering free counseling and support
Online spaces like our stories platform provide moderated spaces to connect with other survivors
Books like "The Body Keeps the Score" and others can help explain trauma's impacts
Trauma-informed yoga, art therapy, and other body-based practices help many survivors

Remember that healing happens on your own timeline. Some days will be harder than others, and that's okay. Thank you for asking this. You are not alone.

Question 20

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violated.

Sexual assault doesn't only happen with physical force. It can also occur through coercion, where someone's repeated requests wear you down until you feel you have no other option but to agree. Coercion removes genuine consent because real consent needs to be freely given, not obtained through persistence, pressure, or manipulation.

You did nothing wrong by initially refusing and later giving in under pressure. It's completely understandable to question what happened and whether it "counts" as assault. Many survivors struggle with this exact question, especially when they eventually said yes. It can be confusing to recognize that a reluctant "yes" doesn't automatically mean there was genuine consent. But here's what matters: you tried to hold your boundary. You communicated what you wanted, or rather, what you didn't want. The fact that someone kept pushing past those stated boundaries until you relented doesn't mean you truly consented. It means you were worn down.

Your feelings about what happened matter, and if it was distressing or felt forced, your discomfort is valid. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries. Whether you call it sexual assault or not is entirely up to you. Some people find that naming it helps them process what happened, while others don't feel that label fits their experience. Both responses are okay. What matters most is that you weren't treated with the respect you deserved, and what happened to you wasn't right.

You deserve support and understanding as you sort through these complex emotions. It may help to find someone you trust or a professional resource to talk with about how this is impacting you. Thank you for trusting us with this.

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Topics

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

So how do you heal from trauma?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How did you recover from sexual assault?

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How did you recover from sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

So how do you heal from trauma?

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