Find Answers to Your Questions ~ MiStory Community

Question 1

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

When you were 11 years old, you were still very much a child, learning about yourself and the world around you. At that age, children often explore and test boundaries as part of their development, sometimes without fully understanding the appropriateness of their actions. Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a wide spectrum, and what you're describing falls into what many experts consider exploratory behavior that can occur during normal childhood development. At age 11, children are naturally curious about bodies and physical sensations, but they lack the cognitive development to fully understand concepts like consent, power dynamics, or the potential impact of their actions.

The age difference you mention does create a power imbalance that makes this behavior concerning, but it's important to understand that as an 11-year-old, you likely didn't have the developmental capacity to fully grasp these dynamics. Children often act on curiosity and physical impulses without the ability to predict or understand consequences the way adults do. Your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding complex social and emotional consequences. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides important context for understanding why it happened.

The fact that you now realize the behavior wasn't appropriate and that you feel remorse shows your growth and awareness. It's a sign of your moral development and empathy. Feeling guilty indicates that you care deeply about others and understand the importance of respecting boundaries. Many adults carry guilt about childhood behaviors that they later recognize as inappropriate or harmful. This guilt, while painful, often reflects growth and the development of a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, boundaries, and consent. The fact that you stopped this behavior and feel remorse suggests that your moral reasoning developed normally as you matured.

It's important to be compassionate with yourself. While you can't change the past, you can acknowledge your feelings and use this awareness to inform how you engage with others now. If these feelings of guilt continue to weigh heavily on you or if this experience continues to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior can be incredibly helpful. They can provide personalized support to help you process these feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human, and recognizing them is a crucial step toward personal growth. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these difficult emotions, including compassion for the child you were who was still learning about the world. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

Question 2

Would touching a sleeping 9-year-old's breast and genitals be considered COCSA or criminal behavior? Does the age of the older child (14-15 versus 11-12) make a difference in how this would be viewed? I saw another post where brief touching out of curiosity by an 11-12 year old wasn't considered COCSA. What makes situations different. Is it the sleeping aspect, the age difference, or a combination of factors?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out with this thoughtful question. The scenario you're describing (where a 14 or 15 year old touched a sleeping 9 year old's breast and genitals) would generally be considered concerning harmful sexual behavior and could fall under the category of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). There are several factors that make this situation different from the brief curiosity-driven touch you referenced. The combination of the significant age gap (five to six years), the developmental stage of the older child, the intimate nature of the areas touched (both breast and genitals), and critically, the fact that the younger child was asleep creates a very different context.

When a child is asleep, they cannot consent, respond, set boundaries, or indicate discomfort. This removes the younger child's ability to participate in what's happening to their body in any way. The sleeping aspect is significant because it suggests intentionality and awareness on the part of the older child. They knew the younger child was unconscious and unable to respond. At 14 or 15, youth are typically well past the age of normative sexual curiosity exploration and have developed an understanding of privacy, consent, and boundaries. They're also in a very different developmental stage than an 11 or 12 year old.

In contrast, brief touching that immediately stops when a boundary is indicated, especially by a younger child still navigating early puberty, may reflect developmentally normal (though still inappropriate) curiosity rather than abusive behavior. The key differences include the responsiveness to boundaries, the age and developmental gap, whether the touch was sustained or exploratory, and whether the younger child had agency in the moment. Criminal definitions vary significantly by jurisdiction, but many places do have laws addressing sexual contact with minors, even when perpetrated by other minors, particularly when there are substantial age differences and when the behavior involves deliberate touching of intimate areas while the victim is unable to consent.

Question 3

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

1. Self-help books: There are many books written by experts and survivors that offer guidance and coping strategies.

2. Journaling: Writing about your experiences and feelings can be therapeutic. We have linked an online journaling tool created by me too international that we think can be helpful. If you prefer a physical journal that has self-guided prompts, there are many out there (we also have one for sale in our shop).

3. Online support groups or virtual communities: These can provide a sense of community, support, and shared understanding from others who have experienced similar things as you.

4. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, promote emotion regulation, and decrease intrusive thoughts.

5. Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful healing tools.

6. Physical exercise: Regular physical activity can help manage stress and improve mood. This does not need to be formal exercise in a gym (though it can be). It can also include walking in nature, dancing to your favorite music, gentle stretching or yoga at home, gardening, swimming, or any form of movement that feels good to you. The key is to find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Remember, the goal is not to push yourself too hard, but to engage in movement that feels nurturing and empowering.

7. Photography: Use photography to explore and capture moments that feel healing or empowering to you. This can help you focus on positive experiences and track your healing journey visually.

8. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it might seem. This can boost your motivation and reinforce positive changes.

9. Set and celebrate healing goals: Establish realistic, achievable goals for your healing process and celebrate when you reach them. This can provide a sense of direction and accomplishment.

As a reminder, these methods aren't replacements for professional help, but they can be valuable tools in your healing process. Healing is a personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's okay to try different approaches and find what feels right for you. If professional help becomes available, consider taking advantage of it. If you feel that you are in crisis or in need of immediate support, access this free online survivior support hotline. Your wellbeing is important, and you deserve support in your healing journey.

Question 4

Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am sorry you feel like you are spiraling. What you're describing - unwanted sexual touching without consent - could certainly be considered sexual assault, but it's entirely up to you how you want to think about and label your experience. There's no requirement to use any particular term, and only you can decide what words feel right for you in understanding what happened. But I want to be very clear: you are not making a mountain out of nothing.

It's very common for people who've experienced unwanted sexual contact to minimize their experiences, especially when the touching didn't match what society often portrays as "serious enough." This self-doubt and minimization is actually a very normal response, but you're right in recognizing that these thought patterns are causing you additional distress. Your body and mind are telling you this event was significant, and it's important to listen to and honor those feelings rather than trying to dismiss them.

The fact that this is surfacing now, ten years later, is also completely normal. Our minds often process difficult experiences when we feel safe enough to do so, or when something in our current life triggers those memories. There's no timeline for processing these experiences, and you're not "overreacting" by having feelings about it now.

When these thought spirals occur, try to respond to yourself with the same compassion you would show a friend in a similar situation. Would you tell them they were overreacting? Would you measure the impact of unwanted touching by which body part was touched? You deserve that same gentleness and validation.

Consider working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. They can help you develop tools to manage these thought spirals and process your experience in a safe, supported way. However you choose to understand or label what happened, your feelings are valid, your response is normal, and you deserve support in healing from this experience. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 5

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

I wish I could give you a defined amount of time, but unfortumately there isn't a universal timeline for when your mind will feel calm again because healing isn't linear and everyone's journey looks different. Four months can sometimes seem like ages, but it often takes longer than we expect for our minds and hearts to quietly process what happened. You have been through a deeply distressing experience, and it's understandable that your thoughts still feel like they're spinning. The tiredness you're feeling is real and valid.

Healing from emotional and sexual harm can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. Your memories of the hurt may crash into thoughts of tender times that make you question everything. Many survivors notice waves of regret, anger, sorrow, and even occasional nostalgia, all intermingling. This does not mean that the difficult times weren't real or that your experiences weren't valid. Our minds are wired to recall the good alongside the bad, which can be confusing, yet it's also part of how we gradually come to terms with what we endured. When someone who hurt us was also sometimes caring or loving, it can create a kind of mental tug-of-war. You might find yourself questioning your decision, missing certain aspects of the relationship, feeling angry about the harm, or all of these things at once. All of those reactions are normal responses to a complicated situation.

Over time, these waves usually become less intense, and small moments of calm begin to expand. Though it may not feel like it in the moment, the busyness in your mind can subside. Healing tends to come in steps rather than in giant leaps, and often it's only in looking back that we realize our minds and hearts have become notably quieter. Processing memories of harm, especially when they're tangled up with moments of care or connection, takes enormous emotional energy, and it's genuinely exhausting work.

What often helps people move toward feeling calmer is having support during this process. The feeling of being alone that you mentioned can make everything feel heavier. If you can, consider talking to a support system you trust--someone who can hear you without dismissing your feelings. Reaching out to professionals or organizations that specialize in trauma support may also help you find edges of calm. These conversations can be a chance to unravel the thoughts that haunt you and learn gentle tools for coping. The loneliness you feel now can lessen when you allow yourself to share what you're going through, at your own pace and with people who truly understand. You don't have to process all of these memories and feelings by yourself.

It's not easy to handle so many memories. You deserve compassion from yourself just as much as from others. Until then, be kind to yourself as best you can, and remember you are not alone. There are people who care and who stand ready to remind you that you deserve peace, gentleness, and a future free from the chaos of these memories. Thank you for trusting us with this. We are here for you along your journey towards healing.

Question 6

Is it sexual assault if an adult touches another adult's private parts without consent, but as a joke or to upset them rather than for sexual reasons? Also, is it considered sexual assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) if a young child pressures another child into sexual acts to bully them, rather than for explicitly sexual reasons?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for these important questions. They highlight complex issues regarding consent, intent, and the definition of sexual assault.

Regarding the first scenario involving adults:

Any non-consensual touching of private parts is generally considered sexual assault, regardless of the intent behind it. The key factor here is the lack of consent, not the motivation of the person doing the touching. Whether it's done as a joke, to upset someone, or for sexual gratification, touching someone's private parts without their permission is a violation of bodily autonomy and can be deeply distressing for the person who experienced it.

It's crucial to understand that the impact on the person who experienced it is what matters most, not the intent of the person committing the act. Even if meant as a joke, such actions can cause significant trauma and are legally and ethically unacceptable. Only the person who experienced these acts, however, can truly label them. They are the expert of their own experiences.

Regarding the second scenario involving children:

When it comes to children, the situation is complex but equally serious. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) does not require the perpetrator to have explicitly sexual intent. If a child is pressuring another child into sexual acts, even if the primary motivation is to bully or upset them, it is still considered a form of sexual abuse.

The key factors here are:
1. The sexual nature of the acts
2. The element of coercion or pressure
3. The lack of informed consent (children cannot give informed consent to sexual acts)

The intent of the child doing the pressuring doesn't change the fact that sexual abuse is occurring. Whether driven by curiosity, a desire to exert power, or an attempt to bully, such behavior is harmful and requires intervention.

It's important to note that in cases of COCSA, both children involved need help and support. The child exhibiting sexually harmful behavior may themselves be a victim of abuse or may not understand the gravity of their actions.

If you or someone you know has experienced something like this, it's important to seek support. This could involve reaching out to a trusted adult, a counselor, or a sexual assault helpline. Remember, it's never the fault of the person who experienced these acts that these things happened to them. Thank you again for asking these questions.

Question 7

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 8

When I was around 11, I had some physical contact with a younger sibling that involved body contact while we were both clothed. This happened a few times, and I didn't understand it wasn't appropriate at the time. I'm struggling with guilt about this now and wondering how to cope with these feelings.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. The guilt you're carrying is incredibly heavy, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling this way now, especially as you've grown and gained a deeper understanding of appropriate boundaries. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, though it's rarely discussed openly, which can make people feel isolated in their experiences.

When you were 11 years old, you were still a child exploring the world and learning about relationships and behaviors. At that age, your brain was still developing, particularly the areas responsible for understanding consequences, appropriate boundaries, and sexual behavior. Children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in sexual play as part of normal development, and sometimes engage in behaviors without malicious intent or awareness of inappropriateness. The fact that you didn't realize it wasn't appropriate at the time speaks to your developmental stage and the normal limitations of childhood understanding, not an intent to harm.

The guilt you're experiencing now reflects your adult understanding of appropriate boundaries and your capacity for empathy. These are actually positive qualities, even though they're causing you pain. It's important to recognize, however, that childhood sexual behavior exists on a spectrum where context matters greatly.

Dealing with guilt can be challenging, but it's also an opportunity for self-compassion and forgiveness. Processing these feelings often requires separating your adult understanding from your childhood actions. Acknowledge that your younger self didn't have the knowledge or maturity to make different choices, and remember that forgiving yourself doesn't mean dismissing what happened. It means recognizing that you've grown since then and are committed to acting with awareness and care now.

It might help to talk about your feelings with someone you trust, like a close friend or family member, who can offer support and understanding. If these feelings continue to weigh heavily on you, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in childhood sexual behavior or trauma. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your emotions further and help you work through your guilt while finding ways to move forward with kindness toward yourself. They can also help you understand the difference between accountability and self-punishment, and guide you toward healing rather than ongoing shame.

Everyone makes mistakes during childhood, and it's how we learn and grow from them that truly matters. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings, and know that it's okay to let go of the guilt and focus on the person you've become. The most important thing right now is taking care of your own emotional wellbeing and finding healthy ways to process these complex feelings.

Question 9

I had an experience when I was young with another boy around my age which involved guilt tripping and other types of emotional manipulation into oral sex. It really impacted me, but I often struggle with feeling like my experience doesn't matter or isn't as serious as other forms of abuse despite all the research I did on the subject indicating it was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). How can I learn to accept that what happened impacted me and learn not to compare my experiences to others?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by affirming that your experience absolutely matters, and the impact it had on you is valid and real. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious form of sexual violence that can have lasting effects on survivors, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you.

It's common for survivors of COCSA to struggle with minimizing their own experiences or comparing their trauma to others. Society often perpetuates the myth that abuse by another child isn't as harmful as abuse by an adult, or that boys can't be victims of sexual violence. These messages can make it difficult for survivors to acknowledge the weight of their own trauma and seek support.

However, it's crucial to remember everyone's trauma is unique. Trauma is not only determined by the events you have gone through, but also how you experienced those events and the ultimate effect those events have had on you. In this way, the severity of your experience is not measured by the specific acts that occurred, but by the emotional, psychological, and physical impact on you as an individual. Guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and coercion are all forms of abuse, even if physical force was not used. You were subjected to a violation of your boundaries, autonomy, and trust, and that is not something to be minimized. Learning to validate your own experiences and emotions is a process, but there are steps you can take to work towards self-acceptance and healing.

To start, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. When you catch yourself minimizing your experience, take a moment to pause and affirm your own emotions. You might say to yourself, "What happened to me was real, and it's okay to feel hurt/angry/scared/etc." You also want to challenge any negative self-talk you notice yourself having. When thoughts like "it wasn't that bad" or "others have it worse" come up, try to reframe them. Remind yourself, "My experience is not less significant because someone else had a different experience. My pain is valid."

It is also important to recognize that you deserve support and community. I would encourage you to seek support from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. A professional can help you process your emotions, work through feelings of self-blame or doubt, and develop coping strategies for managing triggers and symptoms. You may also benefit from connecting with other survivors, either through support groups or online communities. Hearing others' stories and sharing your own can help combat feelings of isolation and validate your experiences.

Finally, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one in your situation. Acknowledge that healing is a process, and be patient with yourself as you navigate complex emotions. Remember, your experience is unique to you, and it's not helpful or necessary to compare it to anyone else's. What you went through was traumatic, and you deserve support, validation, and care as you heal. You are not alone in this journey and you do not need to go through this alone. You have a community of survivors behind you. Do not be afraid to claim that as your own.

Question 10

As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility.

It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers during your early adolescence--generally fall within the realm of normal childhood sexual exploration, rather than abuse.

It's also significant that your therapist, who has a comprehensive understanding of your history, has assessed that this wasn't abuse. Their professional opinion, combined with the lack of force, coercion, or ill intent on your part, and the fact that your stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged, all point towards this being a case of age-appropriate exploration rather than COCSA.

Your OCD may be causing you to hyperfocus on this past event, magnifying your feelings of guilt and worry. While these feelings are understandable, it's important to try to view this situation in the context of normal childhood development. Your lack of understanding about arousal or orgasms at the time further suggests that your actions were not sexually motivated in an adult sense.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to continue working with your therapist on strategies to manage these intrusive thoughts and feelings. Remember, your concern about this shows your strong moral compass and your commitment to being a caring, responsible person and mother. It's okay to acknowledge that while you're worried about your past actions, the context and circumstances suggest that you did not cause harm or engage in abusive behavior.

Healing from anxiety and intrusive thoughts about past experiences is a journey. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these feelings. Your dedication to understanding and doing the right thing is clear, and that in itself is a positive attribute. Thank you for trusting us with this. Be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.

Question 11

When I was around 6-7, my older sister (11-12) would initiate 'tongue kissing' with me. While I never verbally objected, I felt uncomfortable and guilty afterward. I had forgotten about this until recently (I'm now 22), but these memories keep surfacing. I'm struggling with physical intimacy in my relationships and wonder if there's a connection. I have several questions. Am I overreacting to these memories?
Could my mind be fabricating these experiences?
Is it possible there were other incidents I can't remember? Could this be related to my difficulty with physical intimacy in relationships? I also suspect my sister may have been sexually abused herself, though I'm not certain.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your memories and feelings are completely valid, and you are not overreacting. What you're describing was inappropriate sexual contact, though it's important to recognize that your sister was a child herself. Memory gaps and delayed recognition of childhood trauma are common protective responses of our brains. Children sometimes engage in inappropriate behavior without fully understanding the impact of their actions, often due to natural curiosity or, sometimes, their own experiences of abuse.

Many survivors develop difficulties with physical intimacy later in life, which can manifest as discomfort with touch, emotional disconnection during intimate moments, or anxiety about sexual activities. These are normal responses to early boundary violations. The fact that these memories are surfacing now, along with questions about possible gaps in your memory, is also very common with childhood trauma. Our minds often protect us by tucking away difficult experiences until we're better equipped to process them.

Building healthy intimacy takes time and patience. This might involve establishing clear boundaries with partners, practicing "time-outs" during physical intimacy when needed, and starting with simple forms of touch like hand-holding before progressing at your own pace.

Your sister's young age adds a complex layer to process. While her age provides context and may help explain her actions, it doesn't invalidate your feelings or minimize the impact these experiences have had on you. Whether or not she understood the implications of her behavior at the time, your feelings of discomfort and their lasting effects are completely valid.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories safely, understand their impact on your relationships, and develop healthy intimacy skills at your own pace. They can help you navigate the complicated feelings that arise when the person who caused harm was also a child themselves, as well as address any concerns about memory gaps or recovered memories. We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 12

I'm struggling with uncertainty about traumatic events from my childhood. While I'm certain something inappropriate occurred, I worry I might be unintentionally exaggerating the details in my mind. Since it involved another child, I sometimes question if it was harmful behavior or more typical childhood interactions. How can I cope with these doubts and conflicting memories?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your concerns about these difficult childhood experiences. Your feelings and doubts are valid. Memory, especially of distressing events, can be complex and sometimes unclear. It's not uncommon for individuals who have had potentially traumatic childhood experiences to question their recollections or worry about the accuracy of their memories. This uncertainty doesn't invalidate your experiences or feelings.

When it comes to processing difficult past events, it's crucial to understand that everyone's journey is unique. Some individuals find comfort and clarity in labeling their experiences, as it can help them make sense of what happened and validate their feelings. Others may prefer not to use specific labels, finding that approach more conducive to their healing process. Both approaches are entirely valid, and what matters most is what feels right and helpful for you personally.

There are several ways to cope with these doubts and conflicting memories. Seeking professional support from a therapist experienced in childhood issues can be incredibly helpful. They can provide a safe environment for you to process your experiences and emotions, as well as teach techniques for managing anxiety and intrusive thoughts related to your memories. Practicing self-compassion is also crucial - be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotions and remember that your feelings are valid, regardless of the specific details you recall or how you choose to categorize your experiences.

While the exact details of past events may be unclear, your current emotions and need for healing are real and deserving of attention. Focus on your present feelings and needs rather than trying to perfectly reconstruct the past. Journaling about your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and potentially bring clarity over time. When doubts become overwhelming, using grounding techniques can help bring you back to the present moment.

Remember, healing is not dependent on having a perfect recollection of events or fitting your experiences into a specific category. What matters most is acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and focusing on your well-being in the present. Your journey towards understanding and processing your past is valid and important, regardless of the specifics of your memories or how you choose to describe them. If these thoughts continue to cause significant distress, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for personalized support. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 13

I'm struggling with conflicting feelings about a sexual encounter that occurred while intoxicated. My friend and I were both drunk and engaged in sexual activity. While she remembers more details and feels comfortable with what happened, I have partial memory loss from that night and am experiencing intense guilt and shame. She says I initiated the encounter, but I can't clearly remember how things progressed. I'm having difficulty processing these feelings, especially given the role alcohol played in affecting consent and memory. How can I understand and work through these complex emotions?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out about this complex situation. The confusion, guilt, and shame you're experiencing are understandable reactions to an encounter that involved alcohol, memory gaps, and questions about consent. These feelings can become even more complicated when processing same-sex encounters, especially if this was a new experience or if you're still exploring your identity and orientation.

When we experience partial memory loss from alcohol, it can be particularly distressing to learn about our actions during those gaps. Not being able to fully remember what happened or how things progressed can leave us feeling vulnerable and uncertain about our own role in events. This uncertainty can be amplified when the encounter challenges or questions our understanding of our own sexuality or relationships with close friends.

Society often fails to provide clear frameworks for understanding intimate encounters between women, which can add additional layers of confusion and shame. Women's same-sex experiences are frequently either hypersexualized or dismissed entirely, making it harder to process these experiences within broader cultural contexts. This societal ambiguity, combined with the complex dynamics of close female friendships, can make it especially challenging to understand and set boundaries.

Your feelings of guilt and shame, even though your friend feels differently about the encounter, are valid emotional responses. The disconnect between your friend's memory and comfort level with what happened versus your own feelings of distress can create additional confusion and emotional turmoil. This might be further complicated by concerns about how this encounter affects your friendship, your identity, or your understanding of your own sexuality.

It's important to understand that alcohol significantly impacts our ability to make decisions, remember events clearly, and give or recognize meaningful consent. When both people are intoxicated, the lines of consent and responsibility become even more complex. The fact that you're questioning and reflecting on this shows a thoughtful awareness about the importance of clear consent in intimate encounters.

You might consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist or LGBTQ+-affirming counselor who understands the nuances of same-sex experiences and issues of consent. They can help you process these feelings within the context of your identity and relationships, while working through the complex emotions surrounding consent, alcohol, and intimate encounters. This could help you understand your feelings better and develop healthy ways to move forward.

If you're comfortable, you might also have a sober conversation with your friend about how this has affected you. Sometimes understanding more about what happened, while acknowledging that alcohol affected both your judgment and ability to consent, can help process the experience. However, only do this if you feel it would be helpful for your emotional well-being and the preservation of your friendship.

Remember to be gentle with yourself as you process this experience. Questioning our actions and feeling remorse shows moral awareness, but excessive self-blame isn't helpful for healing and growth. Your feelings about this encounter don't have to define your identity or your relationship with your friend. Thank you for trusting us with this question. You are not alone.

Question 14

I previously asked about inappropriate touch I engaged in when I was 9. I realize I didn't share the full picture. When I was younger, my brother and I kissed inappropriately a few times. An adult saw us and told us to stop, and it didn't happen again. During this same time, I tried to kiss my parent in a similar way and was told it wasn't appropriate. I remember later telling my brother we weren't allowed to do that when he tried again. I'm feeling guilty about not sharing this whole truth before and have an overwhelming sense that I'm a horrible person. How do I move forward?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us again. What you're describing doesn't change the core truth from your previous question - you were a child exploring boundaries without adult understanding or intent.

At seven years old, children naturally explore relationships and social norms through curiosity. The behaviors you describe are common childhood exploration, which is why the adults in your life responded with gentle correction rather than alarm. Most importantly, you internalized those boundaries and even guided your brother when he tried again, showing healthy development and respect for rules.

The guilt you're carrying now reflects the caring person you've become, but you're applying adult moral reasoning to childhood actions that were developmentally normal. Children who engage in sexual behaviors aren't "bad" children - they're children processing their experiences and learning boundaries. The shame belongs to any circumstances that may have influenced these behaviors, not to you as a person.

If these feelings continue to overwhelm you, a trauma-informed counselor can provide personalized support for processing these complex emotions. You deserve to move forward without carrying shame for childhood misunderstandings that don't define your worth. Be gentle with yourself - you're not a horrible person, and it's okay to let go of this guilt.

Question 15

When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

The situation you've described has many elements that imply that it may have been sexually coercive. Let's talk about sexual coercion. This is when someone pressures or tricks another person into sexual activity they don't want. It can include:

Asking over and over until the person gives in
Making the person feel guilty for saying no
Threatening to end the relationship if the person doesn't agree

In your situation, your boyfriend kept asking even though you didn't want to. This is a form of pressure. Even though you nodded, you shared that you did not really want to do it. True consent means both people are happy and excited to participate. Consent should be enthusiastic, freely given, and can be revoked at any time. Pressure or coercion, even from a partner, does not allow for true consent.

It's important to know that:

It doesn't matter that he was younger. Anyone can pressure someone else, regardless of age.
You don't have to say "no" out loud for it to count as not wanting something.
Feeling sick afterwards is a sign that something wasn't right for you.

Your autism might make it harder to understand social situations or express your feelings. This is not your fault. Your boyfriend should have paid attention to your comfort, not just looked for a nod.

It's a common misconception that assault only occurs when someone explicitly says "no." In reality, the absence of an enthusiastic "yes" should be treated as a "no." Your reluctance and the need for repeated convincing should have been respected as a lack of consent.

It's understandable to feel conflicted about this, especially given your relationship with him and your own challenges with social communication. However, it's important to recognize that you're not responsible for his actions. He should have been more attentive to your comfort and willingness.

Moving forward, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in autism and trauma. They can help you process this experience and develop strategies for clearer communication in future relationships. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, regardless of your neurodiversity or the age of your partner.

Most importantly, remember that healing is a personal journey. How you choose to label or process this experience may change over time, and that's okay. Your feelings and interpretations are valid at every stage of your healing process. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 16

I'm struggling to process an uncomfortable experience at a party. I initiated kissing with someone, but they proceeded to touch me inappropriately without my consent. Although I physically indicated I didn't want this by pushing their hand away multiple times, I continued kissing them. I'm confused about my reaction and unsure how to interpret or handle the situation. How can I process this experience, and what could I have done differently?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. First and foremost, what happened to you was not your fault. The other person's actions were inappropriate and violated your boundaries. Consent for one activity (kissing) does not imply consent for other sexual acts. You clearly communicated your discomfort by pushing their hand away repeatedly, which should have been respected.

It's common to feel confused about your reactions in situations like this. Our bodies and minds can respond in complex ways to stressful or uncomfortable experiences. Continuing to kiss while feeling uncomfortable with other actions doesn't mean you consented to or wanted the unwanted touching. There could be many reasons for this reaction, including shock, fear, or simply not knowing how to handle the situation in the moment.

As you process this experience, remember that your feelings, whatever they may be, are valid. There's no "right" way to feel or react in these situations. It might be helpful to talk to a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual consent issues. They can provide professional support as you work through your feelings and labeling what occured to you. Remember that in the future, you have the right to stop any sexual activity at any time, even if you initiated it or previously consented.

Practice self-compassion. Many people freeze or have difficulty reacting in overwhelming situations. This doesn't make what happened your fault. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing consent and boundaries with trusted friends or joining advocacy groups that promote awareness about these issues. Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take the time you need. If you're struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a helpline for additional support. Thanks for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 17

When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autonomy.

It's essential to understand that consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual interaction, and children at such a young age cannot provide informed consent. If the other child's actions made you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or violated, your feelings are valid, and you are not to blame for what happened.

COCSA can have lasting effects on survivors, similar to those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated sexual abuse. It's common to feel confusion, guilt, or shame, but it's crucial to remember that you were a child who was manipulated and coerced into a situation you did not want to be in.

It's important to recognize that only you can define your experiences and how they have impacted you. Everyone processes and understands their trauma differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you. Trust your own perceptions and emotions, and don't let anyone minimize or invalidate your experiences.

If you feel that you need support in processing these experiences, seeking help from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions, work through the trauma, and develop coping strategies.

Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support systems available to help you on your healing journey. Your experiences are valid, and your feelings matter. Be gentle with yourself and know that healing is possible.

We appreciate you reaching out and are here for you.

Question 18

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 19

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 20

When I was around 14, I had consensual experiences with friends that involved dry humping while fully clothed. During one instance, when a friend initially declined to experiment, I made a comment out of embarrassment saying "all the popular people do it." We did experiment at a later date, and our friendship has continued into adulthood. As an adult, I asked her if she had ever felt pressured by me, and she said no and laughed it off. My therapist, who has a complex understanding of my history and emotional development at that time, does not believe I pressured or abused anyone. However, my OCD convinces me otherwise. Have I pressured or abused somebody?

Accepted Answer

I hear how much distress you're carrying about this, and I want to start by saying that I appreciate your willingness to reflect on your past interactions. What you're describing, however, sounds like a situation where OCD is causing you to catastrophize a moment of adolescent awkwardness into something far more serious than what actually occurred.

From what you've shared, you were 14 years old and your comment about "popular people" sounds like exactly what it was: an awkward, immature attempt to navigate social discomfort when you felt embarrassed. Adolescents say clumsy things all the time, especially in vulnerable moments, and that doesn't transform typical teenage behavior into abuse. The fact that your friend declined initially, that you didn't push further in that moment, that she later chose to engage with you, and that she's maintained a positive relationship with you into adulthood all point toward mutual, age-appropriate experimentation rather than coercion.

Your therapist, who knows your full history and developmental context, has told you this wasn't abusive. Your friend, who was actually there and experienced the interaction firsthand, has told you she never felt pressured. OCD specializes in taking ambiguous situations and turning them into catastrophic certainties, and it sounds like that's exactly what's happening here.

Pressure and abuse involve persistent coercion, intentional manipulation of power imbalances, or disregarding someone's stated boundaries. The evidence, both from the people involved and from professionals who understand trauma, consistently points toward this being typical adolescent exploration, not abuse. You deserve to trust the people who were there and the professionals who understand your situation, rather than the part of your mind that's trying to convince you of something that didn't happen. Be gentle with yourself.

Need to take a break?

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Need to take a break?

Resources

Post a Message

Ask a Question

How can we help?

Share Feedback

Log in