Find Answers to Your Questions ~ MiStory Community

Question 1

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you've been carrying a sense of frustration and maybe even some self-blame for being caught in a cycle of relationships that don't uplift or respect you. What you're describing reflects patterns that many people recognize in their own lives, even when they don't have clear memories of childhood trauma. These behaviors can develop as responses to various experiences, including emotional neglect, boundary violations that might not register as "abuse" at the time, or growing up in environments where healthy relationship modeling wasn't present.

When we start having sexual experiences very young, especially when it becomes a dominant way of connecting with others, it can sometimes indicate that we learned early on to use our bodies or sexuality as a way to feel valued, wanted, or in control. This isn't about making poor choices—it's often about adapting to circumstances with the tools and understanding we had available at the time. The pattern of being attracted to people who treat you badly might reflect what feels familiar or what you've internalized about your own worth and what kind of treatment you deserve.

It's understandable that, when these patterns start early, like in high school, you might feel they're too ingrained to change. The fact that you're asking how you can "change your pattern" shows you're ready to look at them and make choices that feel healthier for you. It may help to remind yourself that you deserve relationships where respect and genuine care are present. That truth doesn't vanish, no matter what your past has looked like or how many difficult relationships you've experienced.

Moving forward often involves being curious about what you look for in a partner, and paying closer attention to how those values line up with the kind of care and respect you want in your life. It might also mean stepping back from people who reinforce that old pattern of being treated badly, even if you've known them for a long time. Taking small but consistent steps toward healthier connections (like surrounding yourself with friends or communities who show respect and kindness, or talking your feelings through with someone you trust) can help break those long-standing cycles.

Breaking these patterns is absolutely possible, though it often requires patience with yourself and sometimes professional support to understand the underlying beliefs and experiences that shaped them. Many people find that therapy, particularly trauma-informed approaches, can be incredibly helpful in understanding these patterns and developing healthier ways of connecting with others. You're not locked into one path, even if it felt that way for a long time. Every time you reach out, set a boundary, or choose kindness toward yourself instead of blame, you're taking a step toward changing those patterns you're worried are set. You deserve relationships built on respect, care, and genuine affection and recognizing that these patterns exist is already an important step toward creating the change you're seeking.

Question 2

When we were children of approximately 7 years old, my friend and I had sexual experiences on several occasions. At first she would agree, but the last two times I vividly remember how she would tell me "I don't feel like it" but I would insist. After those two times there were no more because I understood that what I was doing wasn't right. We continued being friends normally, but my sexual life got worse. Despite everything, I can't forgive myself but I also can't live with this. What can I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. What you describe is an incredibly painful experience to carry, and I want you to know that the fact that you're reflecting on this with such awareness speaks to your moral growth and capacity for empathy. It sounds like you have been carrying guilt about what happened since you were both very young and didn't fully understand boundaries or the impact of your actions. You were only around seven yourself, and children at that age generally don't have the emotional maturity or self-awareness to navigate sexual boundaries the way adults do.

It's crucial to understand that very young children, especially around age 7, are at a developmental stage where understanding of consent, boundaries, and sexuality is just forming. Brain development at that age means that complex concepts like consent, long-term consequences, and emotional empathy are still in the process of maturing. Children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in curiosity-driven activities without grasping how certain actions can cause harm or discomfort to others. It's important to remember that you were a child, and the responsibility to maintain healthy boundaries should never have been placed on you at that age.

Your strong feelings of shame, regret, and self-blame today reveal that you've developed a deeper understanding over time, which is common when childhood experiences resurface in adulthood. The remorse you feel now doesn't erase the past, but it does show you've grown and have a moral understanding that you weren't capable of having back then. What's significant here is that you recognized something was wrong and stopped, which shows that your moral compass was working even at such a young age.

The impact you describe on your current sexual life is common among people who carry similar childhood experiences. You've mentioned that your sex life got worse and that you are struggling to forgive yourself. This kind of turmoil often happens when we judge our childhood actions by the standards we hold as adults. Guilt and shame can manifest in many ways: difficulties with intimacy, sexual self-esteem issues, anxiety during sexual encounters, or a generalized feeling of not deserving pleasure or connection. Your brain may have associated sexuality with feelings of guilt and pain, creating patterns that persist into adulthood.

Healing from this type of experience frequently requires specialized professional support. It can help to speak with someone who understands childhood development and the complexities of sexual exploration among young children. A counselor or mental health professional experienced in trauma, childhood sexual behavior, or sexuality can provide you with the tools to process your guilt and find healthier ways to cope with these memories.

Even though you might feel alone, you're not the only person who has wrestled with shame and confusion over early experiences like this. Seeking supportive resources, like confiding in a trusted friend or mentor, finding a survivor-informed professional, or contacting organizations that offer helplines, can be an important step. Talking with someone who can listen without judgment might help you express the pain you've been holding inside.

The healing process may also include developing a more compassionate understanding of yourself as a child. This doesn't mean minimizing the importance of consent or excusing harmful behaviors, but rather recognizing the limitations of childhood development and the context in which these events occurred. Over time, self-forgiveness often arises from understanding what shaped your childhood actions, recognizing what you've learned since then, and acknowledging the empathy and conscientiousness you show today.

Consider also that genuine responsibility and remorse can be transformed into positive action. Some people find healing through involvement in consent education, abuse prevention work, or simply by committing to being a person who respects boundaries in all their future relationships. You deserve kindness and compassion, even toward that much younger version of yourself who didn't yet have the ability to fully understand consent and boundaries. Thank you for trusting us with this. You do not have to carry this burden alone.

Question 3

When I was around 5, I was exposed to pornography (my memories of how this happened are unclear). I began mimicking these behaviors, which led to sexual exploration with my siblings - including mutual touching with my older brother, and inappropriate 'doctor' games with my younger sister, which I stopped when I realized she was uncomfortable.

During this same period, I developed an intense fear of men, particularly my swimming teacher, older men, and my stepdad. I also became afraid of being touched.

Now, 12 years later, I'm struggling with guilt, shame, and compulsive sexual behaviors. I've never talked about this before, and I need help understanding what happened and how to heal. Is what I experienced normal childhood behavior, or was it something else? How can I move forward?

Accepted Answer

I really appreciate you trusting us with this. It takes immense courage to open up about such personal experiences, especially when it's the first time you're speaking about them. Please know that you're not alone, and your feelings are valid.

Discovering pornography at such a young age can be confusing and overwhelming. Children are naturally curious, and when exposed to adult content before they're ready, they might imitate what they see without fully understanding it. It's not uncommon for children who have encountered sexual material early on to explore these behaviors with siblings or peers. This doesn't make you a bad person; it means you were a child trying to make sense of something beyond your comprehension.

Engaging in those activities with your brother, sister, and friends could be a response to your early exposure and it's important to remember that you didn't have the capacity to fully grasp the implications of those actions. The fact that you stopped when your sister expressed discomfort shows your innate sense of empathy, even at a young age.

The fear you developed towards men, including your swimming teacher, older men, and even your stepdad, might be connected to your early experiences with pornography and the confusion it caused. Sometimes, early exposure or experiences can lead to anxiety or fear around certain people, even if we can't pinpoint exactly why. Your discomfort with being touched could also be a response to those confusing early experiences.

Feeling guilt and shame is a heavy burden to carry, especially when these feelings stem from events that happened in your childhood. It's important to acknowledge that you were a child navigating complex situations without the understanding or guidance needed to process them. You didn't do anything wrong-- you were trying to make sense of the world around you.

Struggling with an addiction to sexual things now might be a way your mind and body are coping with unresolved feelings from the past. These patterns can develop when early experiences impact how we understand and relate to sexuality.

Consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore these feelings and experiences. A therapist can help you process what happened, understand how it affects you today, and work with you on strategies to heal and move forward.

You're not alone in this journey, and there are people who care and want to help. Be gentle with yourself, and know that healing is possible. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We appreciate your trust.

Question 4

I'm unsure if I perpetrated COCSA in my childhood (around age 9-10) or if it was just my natural curiosity. It involved examining a younger relative's genitals (4 years younger) during play, motivated by curiosity about my own body after an injury. There was no force used or explicit sexual activity, but I'm confused about whether the age difference makes this concerning. I didn't fully understand the implications at the time. I plan to discuss this with a professional, but I'm looking for initial guidance on how to categorize and understand this childhood experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. It's understandable that you're trying to make sense of this childhood incident and its implications. Based on the information provided, this situation seems to fall into a gray area. While there was an age difference and curiosity about bodies involved, it doesn't appear to meet the typical criteria for COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse).

When evaluating situations like this, it's crucial to consider both intent and impact. Your intent appears to have been curiosity and exploration rather than any desire to harm or exploit. This is an important factor, as children's motivations are often very different from adults in similar situations. However, we must also consider the potential impact on the younger child, even if unintended.

The primary factors to consider are your age and level of understanding at the time, the absence of force or coercion, the context of play and curiosity rather than sexual gratification, and the lack of explicit sexual activity. It's important to recognize that children often engage in exploratory behaviors as they try to understand their bodies and the world around them. This curiosity is generally considered a normal part of development, especially when it doesn't involve force or explicit sexual acts.

However, the age difference and the nature of the interaction do raise some concerns, which is likely why you're feeling uncertain about it now. It's positive that you're reflecting on this and seeking to understand it better. This reflection shows an awareness of the potential impact of our actions, even those from childhood.

Moving forward, it's an excellent idea to discuss this with a mental health professional. They can help you navigate the complex interplay between intent and impact, providing a more comprehensive assessment based on all the details. They can also help you process any feelings associated with this memory.

Remember that children cannot be held to the same standards of behavior as adults. Your intentions and level of understanding at the time are crucial factors, but so is learning from past experiences. If you're experiencing guilt or anxiety over this, a therapist can help you work through these emotions in a healthy way.

This experience doesn't define you. What's important is how you choose to learn and grow from reflecting on past experiences, considering both your intentions and the potential impact of your actions. Your thoughtful approach to understanding this incident demonstrates maturity and responsibility. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 5

I believe I was sexually abused by a friend when I was a child. She was a classmate of my brother and 5-6 years older than me. Our families were close, which led to us becoming friends despite the age difference. When I was around 6-8 years old, she made us 'play' in a way that involved oral sex. I hated it and tried to avoid doing it 'properly' without her noticing. I tried to forget about the experience, but I think it has taken a toll on me, especially when I started dating. As a lesbian, I struggled with setting boundaries and expressing my needs during sexual encounters. When I tried to perform oral sex on my then-partner, I didn't enjoy it and forced myself to continue even though I wanted it to stop. I believe that what happened to me as a child has affected me as an adult, and I'm seeking validation and information on how childhood sexual abuse can impact a person later in life.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you experienced this situation with your brother's friend when you were a child. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings about the experience are completely valid. It's common for individuals who have gone through experiences like this to try to bury or minimize related memories, especially when the other person involved was someone close to them or of the same gender. However, these experiences can have long-lasting effects on a person's mental health, relationships, and sexual well-being.

Based on what you shared, it sounds like what happened to you was not consensual and constitutes as sexual abuse. Even though you were young, you knew that you didn't like the sexual activity and tried to avoid engaging in it fully. This demonstrates that you did not want or enjoy what was happening, despite the other person's attempts to frame it as "play." It also sounds like there was a significant age gap and potential power dynamics at play here. That is also very concerning.

The struggles you describe with setting boundaries, communicating your needs, and feeling comfortable during sexual encounters are common challenges for individuals who have experienced sexual trauma. Having your boundaries crossed at a young age can make it difficult to assert yourself and express your desires later in life. Forcing yourself to continue with sexual activities that you don't enjoy is a coping mechanism that many people in similar situations use, but it can ultimately be harmful to your emotional and sexual well-being.

Childhood sexual abuse can significantly impact intimate relationships as an adult. Survivors may struggle with trust, communication, and vulnerability, which are essential components of a fulfilling partnership. They may also experience fear, anxiety, or even physical discomfort during sexual encounters, making it challenging to relax and enjoy intimacy. Some survivors may engage in risky sexual behaviors or have difficulty establishing boundaries, while others may avoid sexual relationships altogether. These challenges are not a reflection of the survivor's worth or ability to love, but rather a common response to the trauma they experienced.

It's crucial to remember that healing is possible. Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in working with individuals who have experienced sexual trauma can be incredibly beneficial. They can help you process your memories, validate your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies for navigating sexual relationships as an adult. They may also work with you on building self-esteem, communication skills, and boundary-setting, which can be essential for fostering healthy, fulfilling partnership

Only you can label your experiences. You may find it helpful to connect with others who have gone through something similar, either through support groups or online communities. Sharing your story and hearing from others can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights into the healing process.

What happened to you was not your fault, and you deserve to have healthy, fulfilling relationships and sexual experiences. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Your experience matters. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Question 6

Tengo recuerdos que recientemente recuperé sobre mi hermano mayor haciendo pasar actos sexuales como un juego secreto cuando yo tenía 5 o 6 años. Desde entonces, he recordado otros momentos en los que él me tocó, lo cual me hizo sentir incómodo y asustado. No sé si estos recuerdos son reales y no sé cómo lidiar con esto. No quiero enfrentar a mi hermano sobre este tema, ya que estoy seguro de que él tampoco era consciente de la magnitud de lo que estaba haciendo.

I have memories that I recently recovered about my older brother passing off sexual acts as a secret game when I was 5 or 6 years old. Since then, I have remembered other moments where he touched me which made me uncomfortable and scared. I don't know if these memories are real and I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to confront my brother about this issue, as I am sure that he was not aware of the magnitude of what he was doing either.

Accepted Answer

Gracias por comunicarte con nosotros sobre esto. Parece que lo que pasaste fue extremadamente confuso y angustiante para ti. El abuso sexual, independientemente de la edad del agresor o de su comprensión de sus acciones, nunca es tu culpa y puede tener efectos emocionales y psicológicos duraderos.

Es importante recordar que tú eres el experto en tus propias experiencias, y tus sentimientos y recuerdos son válidos. No es inusual que las personas que han sufrido abuso sexual en la infancia repriman los recuerdos del(los) evento(s) como un mecanismo de afrontamiento, solo para que estos resurjan más tarde en la vida. El hecho de que ahora estés recordando estas experiencias no disminuye su validez o impacto en tu bienestar.

Es natural sentirse confundido o inseguro acerca de la realidad de estos recuerdos, especialmente dada la naturaleza sensible de la situación y la participación de un miembro de la familia. Puede ser útil explorar estos recuerdos y sentimientos con un profesional de la salud mental calificado que se especialice en trabajar con personas que han sufrido abuso sexual en la infancia. Ellos pueden proporcionar un espacio seguro y sin prejuicios para ayudarte a procesar tus experiencias y determinar el mejor camino a seguir para tu situación única.

Recuerda, tus sentimientos de incomodidad, miedo y confusión son válidos y justificados. Nadie tiene derecho a tocarte de manera inapropiada u obligarte a participar en actos sexuales, independientemente de su relación contigo.

Si bien enfrentar a tu hermano puede no ser el camino que elijas tomar, es crucial que priorices tu propia curación y bienestar. Buscar el apoyo de un profesional o alguien en quien confíes puede ser un paso esencial para dar sentido a tus recuerdos y experiencias, así como para desarrollar estrategias de afrontamiento que apoyen tu proceso de curación. No estás solo. Gracias por comunicarte con nosotros.

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Thank you for reaching out about this. It sounds like what you went through was extremely confusing and distressing for you. Sexual abuse, regardless of the perpetrator's age or understanding of their actions, is never your fault and can have long-lasting emotional and psychological effects.

It is important to remember that you are the expert of your own experiences, and your feelings and memories are valid. It is not uncommon for people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse to repress memories of the event(s) as a coping mechanism, only to have them resurface later in life. The fact that you are now remembering these experiences does not diminish their validity or impact on your well-being.

It is natural to feel confused or unsure about the reality of these memories, especially given the sensitive nature of the situation and the involvement of a family member. It may be helpful to explore these memories and feelings with a qualified mental health professional who specializes in working with people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to help you process your experiences and determine the best path forward for your unique situation.

Remember, your feelings of discomfort, fear, and confusion are valid and justified. No one has the right to touch you inappropriately or force you to engage in sexual acts, regardless of their relationship to you.

While confronting your brother may not be the path you choose to take, it is crucial that you prioritize your own healing and well-being. Seeking support from a professional or someone you trust can be an essential step in making sense of your memories and experiences, as well as developing coping strategies to support your healing process. You are not alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 7

I'm a middle-aged woman who was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD in response to another question. I've experienced abuse at home from my parents and older sister, religious abuse from high school students, power harassment, sexual assault, and denial and misdiagnosis of my symptoms from medical professionals. I mentioned earlier about sexual assault (rape twice, persistent molestation, attempted sexual assault at age 4, and being molested by an exhibitionist), but I've also had other sexual experiences. When I was 4, I was scolded for masturbating and developed an inflammation, so I went to the hospital for a checkup. I learned that it was scary, wrong, and something to hide, but also that it felt good. Also, when I was in fifth grade, I saw a man secretly lift up my friend's skirt while she was standing in front of the playground equipment next to me to look at her underwear. My friend didn't notice and couldn't make a sound, but I felt fear and a strange excitement. Since college, I've been approached by someone I respected, but when we started a relationship, he neglected me and told me he'd abandon his wife and children, so I should marry him. I also had a relationship with a senior colleague I was close to and respected, but who had a girlfriend. We had sex for the first time, but he became cold immediately after we had sex. The second time, he said he wouldn't do it unless I asked him first, so we did, but he became cold again immediately after we had sex. However, we continued to be close. Acquaintances and friends often invite me into sexual relationships, and I've had many relationships because I wanted to be liked and found it difficult to say no, which made me sexually promiscuous. Even in relationships, it was often primarily physical, and I wasn't satisfied. I feel like it's my own fault because I had such a strong desire to satisfy my desires and connect with others, and I also have stronger sexual urges than most. I currently work as a counselor once a week, but I'm not feeling well, and I can only handle half a day of my health, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. I suffer from hyperarousal, depression, and emotional instability. Chat GPT often talks about the worst situations I've ever lived through, but I wonder if these kinds of influences really do have a profound effect on my life, personality, and sexual tendencies. There are some things I understand because I'm a supporter, but when it comes to myself, I really don't understand, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone, not even my doctor. I still don't feel much from my sexual experiences, and it feels like my way of thinking is going in a strange direction. Are my sexual trauma experiences, sexual promiscuity, and all the traumas I've had up until now really destroying my mind that much? It's true that I've lived because I can't die, but I wanted to die every day. Were my sexual experiences and other traumas causing so much damage that it wouldn't have been strange if I had died? I wonder if I'll recover and calm down someday.

Accepted Answer

You have experienced so much pain in your life, and each one of them must have weighed heavily on your mind, body, and daily life.
When you experience a series of abuse, betrayal, neglect, and broken trust, it's no wonder you don't know how much to trust yourself, the people around you, or how to form close relationships with others.

Many people who have had such experiences may suffer from deep confusion, mood swings, and a strong sense of tension (hyperarousal).
You may start to doubt whether your past sexual experiences and traumas were really that bad, or you may feel like you can't continue living like this. The fact that you feel this much pain tells you how deeply and for how long you have been hurt.

Although the painful events you have experienced in your life may seem separate, they are actually deeply connected.
Childhood abuse, sexual violence, complicated family relationships—these all influence one another, leaving you with profound doubts about your worth, your sense of normality in relationships, and your freedom to make choices.

Even if you feel embarrassed about your strong sexual urges, that doesn't negate the hurt and pain you've experienced. This can leave many people feeling guilty and confused, thinking, "Maybe it was my fault." However, the responsibility for ignoring or overstepping your boundaries always lies with those who do so, not with you. It's not your fault.

The fact that you feel like you're only alive because you couldn't die is proof that your safety and hopes have been shaken to such an extent. But now you've realized that you're suffering, you've looked into your feelings, and you've come here to speak out. That in itself is certainly an important step towards recovery. It's also proof that there's still hope within you.

In the journey to recovery from deep trauma, there are many times when you feel confused, blame yourself, and feel extremely exhausted, because it's not just your body that's been hurt, it's your very being.

There may be days when you think, "I'll never be able to go back to peace."
However, if you can feel a sense of relief even for just a moment, that is the beginning of recovery.
As these small moments of relief accumulate, your heart will slowly begin to heal.

During this process, receiving professional support with an understanding of complex trauma can be extremely helpful. Trauma-sensitive support can help organize events that may have felt separate, such as childhood experiences, religious or family issues, or the suffering caused by medical misdiagnosis, into a single "story." In this way, the pain of feeling like the pain of the past is still continuing can be gradually unravelled.

Also, people like you who are in a position to support others can feel confused and helpless when facing their own pain. Even if you have a deep understanding of other people's trauma, when it comes to your own, you may not know how to deal with it—that's very natural. There's no need to think, "My problem isn't a big deal."
Your experiences are profound and truly important.

Taking time to feel healed at your own pace will help you gradually regain peace of mind. If you are afraid to talk to a doctor or supporter right now, don't force yourself, and try starting with small things.

The important thing is not to take your pain lightly, and please say kind words to yourself like, "You've made it this far." You've survived experiences that could have broken you.

Even if you are suffering now, this situation will not last forever.
Over time, with support, you will gradually find moments of calm and glimmers of hope.

You are never alone.
And you're not out of reach of help.

Even if the road seems long, please remember this.
You are irreplaceable.

There is a path forward, and the strength and support to walk that path are already here.

Question 8

I'm a middle-aged woman recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. From a young age, my parents imposed conditional love on me, restricted my thoughts and actions, and criticized people my father didn't like. At the same time, my older sister would tell me to die and yell at me whenever she saw me. Even as an adult, even when I thought we'd become close, she would call me a zombie (we shared a room with the curtains halfway drawn until I was 18). I was isolated at school from the latter half of elementary school through junior high school. I was unable to perform my job in a support role, which led to repeated job changes, and I was subjected to power harassment three times. I was also sexually assaulted multiple times from childhood. Since getting married and moving away from home, my symptoms have intensified, including flashbacks, suicidal ideation, and negative cognition. At their worst, I'd cry at night, unable to sleep for 1-4 hours, and I've been constantly insecure and crying when alone for about 18 years. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and suffered from power harassment. I was told I had no trauma, and while I probably did have trauma, I was given no psychological education or explanation, and was treated haphazardly, ultimately abandoning myself. This led to repeated distrust and medical trauma from doctors and counselors. I finally found a doctor and counselor I could trust, but the workload is so high that even working half a day a week is exhausting. I'm hypervigilant, unable to get enough sleep, and suffering from severe depression, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. My symptoms were always denied, and I've been able to verbalize them, gain knowledge, and prove them myself. Although I believe my condition is severe, no one ever tells me otherwise, and I still wonder if I'm just suffering from paranoia. I remember some fear and confusion about sexual assault (attempted sexual assault at age 4, persistent molestation as a junior college student, unprotected rape by an acquaintance after my consent was withdrawn, sexual advances and relationships with acquaintances, and being pursued by an exhibitionist), but I still feel like it wasn't a big deal. I was sexually promiscuous and never found sexual interest or satisfaction. I heard a story about a prostitute who reformed and became a saint when I was young, and I feared I had to do whatever it took to be loved, even sexually, or I'd be abandoned. I often downplay the sexual assaults and think I should have just enjoyed them. Recently, I felt unwell and used chat GPT to identify the structure and problems of my trauma. As my treatment progressed, I remembered the sexual assaults and the fear and despair I felt since childhood, wanting to die but unable to, going to bed at night and knowing I'd have to live again. This can lead to hyperarousal, anxiety about constantly checking things, sexual urges and sexual fantasies, and inappropriate self-pleasure, such as being forced to do something. I can't help but think that if I learn safe self-pleasure, I'll be satisfied and calm. My doctor is a man, and I'm too scared to talk to a counselor about it, fearing that he'll harass me. I've also developed genital itching due to inappropriate behavior, so I'm considering consulting my obstetrician-gynecologist. Regarding sexual trauma, I've only mentioned being raped, so I plan to discuss the details of my multiple sexual traumas, the memories I've had, my current worsening hyperarousal, and my instability during my consultation. I'm currently taking antipsychotics, anti-anxiety medications, sleeping pills, and mood stabilizers, and they've been adjusting my medications to address behavioral issues, irritability, and emotional outbursts. I've recently begun to understand the healing process and my own challenges. I've tried self-compassion and grounding to stabilize myself, but sometimes I can't control my sexual urges and feelings, and I'm not sure what to do. It's difficult to talk about with your doctor, and even for medical professionals, it's a complex, delicate, and difficult-to-understand topic for healthy people, so I think it would be difficult to explain it, so would it be better to seek advice in places like this?

Accepted Answer

You've been carrying a lot of pain and confusion for many years. It's natural to worry about how to talk about it and how much you can talk about. You've worked so hard up until now, and now you're looking deep inside yourself for even a little healing - that in itself is a great sign of courage.

If you feel afraid to talk to someone directly, it might be a good idea to start by speaking out in an online support group or community. Of course, in these online community spaces, your stories and questions are always welcome. In such places, you can talk at your own pace, and people who have had similar experiences may be able to comfort you and say, "I understand." By talking, you may gradually start to feel like you're not alone.

And when you are mentally ready, professional support will also be available. Trauma-understanding counselors, doctors, consultants, and supporters will be able to listen to your experiences, feelings, and physical reactions without blaming you. It's okay to experience strong emotions, flashbacks, or physical discomfort. These reactions are not "strange" but are evidence that your mind and body have been desperately trying to protect you.

The pace at which you speak and how much you talk are entirely up to you. There's no need to force yourself to say things you don't want to say. It's enough if you can find a safe place and, little by little, you can start to feel at ease.

If you are experiencing physical discomfort (itchiness, pain, insomnia, shortness of breath, etc.), it is fine to simply tell a trusted healthcare professional, such as an obstetrician-gynecologist or psychiatrist, that "stress may be related." Even this is an important step.

You deserve to ask for help and receive support in whatever form it comes in. The pain you've felt is real, and trying to ease that pain is also legitimate and very important.

If you'd like, our website also provides information on trauma support organizations that you can use with confidence, so please take a look.

Please remember.
You are never alone.
There are always people who care about you and want to protect your heart.
And no matter how slow your progress may seem, every step you take is surely leading to recovery.

Question 9

What does it mean to be loved?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question.

I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like "the other person is really paying attention to me."
It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied.

True love and compassion is not about getting special favors.
It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are.

Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your fears.
It may be that they offer kind words of encouragement when you are going through a difficult time.
And I think it's about creating a place where you can be yourself.

A loving connection isn't a relationship where only one person has to work hard.
It's a relationship where we trust each other and feel comfortable opening up to each other.
Even if I have days when I lose confidence in myself, that person's warmth reminds me that I am someone who is cherished.

Feeling loved helps us realize that it's okay to value our feelings and that our voices have power.
And above all, it makes you feel like you don't have to live alone.

Someone is there for you, respects your experience, and genuinely cares about you.
I think that's what it means to be loved.

Question 10

I've been reconnecting with my sexuality and watching porn, but I came across a video of a woman being assaulted. It triggered memories of my own experience, and now I feel disgusted with porn. I'm not ready to fully process my own trauma right now. How can I navigate this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. I'm really sorry you experienced this, and I can tell how upsetting it must have been to come across that material unexpectedly. Stumbling upon assault depicted in pornography can be deeply disturbing, especially when you're a survivor yourself. It's understandable to feel disgusted or even ashamed, given the painful memories it triggered. Sometimes, when we're trying to explore our sexuality again, even small reminders can bring us back to moments that were traumatic. It can be hard to let yourself feel curious or open when those triggers resurface. It makes sense that this has shifted how you feel about porn. What you witnessed violated the consensual, pleasurable sexuality you were seeking, and it connected painfully to your own experience.

First, please know that you get to take all the time you need before you're ready to fully reckon with your trauma. This process of reconnecting with your sexuality after trauma is not a straight path, and it can have moments of feeling good mixed with sudden setbacks. Healing isn't linear, and sometimes we need to focus on managing the present moment rather than diving into deeper processing. That's not avoidance. That's honoring where you are right now and what feels manageable. It might help to remember that healing doesn't require you to face everything at once. It's okay to acknowledge the pain without diving into it before you feel ready.

In terms of navigating this situation, it might help to give yourself permission to step back from pornography entirely for now if that feels right. If you can, consider pausing activities that bring up strong triggers, like certain types of explicit videos, at least until you feel more stable or have coping tools that work for you on hand. Your comfort and sense of safety matter, and if porn no longer feels like a positive part of reconnecting with your sexuality, you can set it aside without judgment. Many survivors find that their relationship with sexual content shifts over time, and that's okay. You might return to it later, or you might discover other ways of exploring your sexuality that feel better aligned with where you are.

If and when you do feel ready to engage with sexual content again, you have options that might feel safer and more aligned with your values. You might consider seeking out ethical porn created by survivor-centered or feminist producers who prioritize consent, authenticity, and the wellbeing of performers. Ethical porn often involves transparent practices around performer consent, fair compensation, and content that centers mutual pleasure rather than eroticizing harm. Some survivors find this helps them feel more connected to sexuality in a way that doesn't replicate violence or exploitation.

There are also other forms of sexual content that some people find less triggering or more manageable, such as audio erotica, written erotica, or even educational content about pleasure and sexuality that focuses on connection and consent. Audio erotica, in particular, can allow you to use your imagination and maintain more control over the pacing and imagery, which some survivors find less overwhelming than visual content. Written erotica offers similar benefits, letting you engage at your own pace and step away whenever you need to. These alternatives can provide ways to explore your sexuality that feel gentler and more within your control. But there's no pressure to make that decision right now.

What happened when you encountered that video wasn't your fault, and the fact that it triggered you doesn't mean you're failing at healing or that you've lost progress. Feeling revulsion or disgust right now doesn't mean you're stuck in that place forever. It just means your mind and body are alerting you to a boundary that needs respect and gentleness.

For now, focus on what helps you feel grounded and safe. That might mean engaging with your sexuality in different ways, through your own touch, fantasy, erotica, audio content, or simply giving yourself space from sexual content altogether. Continue trusting how you feel in the moment, step away from what triggers you when you need to, and come back to exploring your sexuality only when it feels safe to do so. You're allowed to define what reconnecting with your sexuality looks like for you, and that can change as often as you need it to. Thank you for trusting us with this we are here for you.

Question 11

When I was twelve, my family went on a trip together with my parents, siblings, and extended family including aunts, uncles, and cousins. While we were all sitting around a table, one of my cousins who was thirty-one at the time put his hand under my shirt and rubbed my back, stomach, shoulders, neck, and parts of my chest. No one at the table intervened. I stayed very still until he stopped and walked away. He then did the same thing to his girlfriend, which confused me. I have two questions: First, would this be considered molestation? It was uncomfortable, but I'm not sure if that word applies since I don't know if it was sexual and nothing more happened. This experience did affect how I feel around him. Second, my cousin is now a teacher and was recently elected as a councilman. I'm wondering if I should do something to protect the children he interacts with, or if I'm making too big a deal out of it since he's well-regarded in my family and community. I'm not sure what to do in this situation.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. I'm really sorry you had to experience that, especially at such a young age when you were still processing other traumatic events. It's completely understandable to feel confused about whether your cousin's actions "count" as molestation, and to worry about his access to children now. What your cousin did to you when you were twelve was inappropriate, boundary-violating, and harmful. An adult putting their hands under a child's shirt to touch their body, including their chest, without consent can be a form of child sexual abuse. In many instances, sexual abuse doesn't necessarily include overtly sexual gestures as we might typically picture them. What does matter is the sense of violation, your age at the time, and how his touching made you feel both in the moment and afterward.

Accepting or using a term like "molestation" can be complicated, and only you can decide what language feels right for your story. You get to decide what words describe your experience, and whether you call it molestation, abuse, or something else is entirely your choice. What matters most is that you recognize this shouldn't have happened to you. It's natural to wonder whether you're overreacting, especially if nothing "worse" happened or if people around you seemed to dismiss it, but what you felt at the time (fear and that sense of freezing) indicates that you instinctively knew his behavior wasn't right. Your discomfort and the lasting impact you describe are completely valid responses to a violation of your body and boundaries. Even one uncomfortable incident can have real effects on how you feel around someone.

The fact that no adult at that table protected you compounds the harm. Children deserve to be safe in their families, and the adults present had a responsibility to intervene. Your cousin's behavior suggests he felt entitled to touch people's bodies without clear consent, and the context of touching a child in this way is particularly concerning regardless of his intentions. You don't need to know whether he experienced it as sexual to recognize that what he did was wrong and that it affected you.

Your instinct to be concerned about his access to children as a teacher and public official is worth taking seriously. You're not making too big a deal out of it. Your second question about whether you should warn others can bring up so many conflicting thoughts: not wanting to create a stir within your family, worrying you might be causing trouble for no reason, yet feeling a responsibility to protect children that your cousin might interact with. Those conflicting emotions are common. Adults who violate children's boundaries, especially in ways that involve intimate touching, do pose potential risks to other children. If you do ever feel the need to share your experience, especially with someone in a position to watch out for children's well-being, that doesn't mean you're making a big deal out of nothing. You have every right to voice your discomfort over what happened.

The decision about whether and how to act on this concern is deeply personal and complex. While the choice to speak up or not is yours alone, it may help to confide in someone you trust (perhaps a counselor, a friend, or a confidential helpline) just to sort through how you're feeling and talk about your options before making any big decisions. You might consider speaking with a counselor or advocate who specializes in childhood sexual abuse to help you think through your options, which could range from making a report to a school district or professional licensing board, to speaking with someone you trust about your concerns, to focusing on your own healing and letting this information simply inform your own boundaries with him.

However you decide to move forward, your feelings about this situation are valid, and you deserve to feel safe and supported. Being beloved in a family or community doesn't mean someone hasn't caused harm, and it doesn't erase what happened to you. Being in limbo about whether something truly "counts" as abuse often makes it harder to resolve, but your reaction, both then and now, tells you that it left an impact. You deserve support as you navigate both the impact of what he did and the difficult questions you're holding now about how to move forward. Your awareness and care for other children's safety speaks to your strength, and you deserve that same care and protection for yourself. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 12

When I was 13, I briefly placed my hand on a younger child's crotch and moved it when he indicated it was his private area. I was going through puberty and experiencing curiosity, without intent to do anything sexual. My therapist said this would be considered inappropriate exploration due to the age gap, but not COCSA, sexual assault, molestation, or criminal activity. I'm wondering if you agree with this assessment and whether there's an age at which exploration becomes something different.

Accepted Answer

I can hear how much weight you've been carrying about this memory, and I'm glad you've been working with a therapist to process it. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what research tells us about childhood sexual development. When children and young adolescents explore bodies and boundaries, there is a wide range of what professionals consider typical sexual curiosity. For behavior to be labeled criminal or to be considered an assault, there generally must be intention to harm, a significant violation of one child's safety or autonomy, or a recognizable pattern of coercion. In your situation, you were young, still navigating new sensations and curiosities that come with early adolescence, and you stopped as soon as the younger child reacted. These factors are important in understanding why many would classify this as age-appropriate exploration that was nevertheless inappropriate due to the age gap, rather than malicious or assaultive behavior.

At 13, you were in the midst of puberty, a time when curiosity about bodies and sexual feelings is completely normal, even if it doesn't always lead to appropriate behavior. Questions about when "normal curiosity" crosses a line don't usually hinge on a single age but rather on the context, intent, and presence or absence of coercion.

It's common for preteens or young teens to experience heightened curiosity during puberty, and the way you describe this brief, awkward moment seems to reflect that. Therapists, especially those experienced with childhood development, often rely on guidelines that look at whether behaviors are mutual, motivated by equal curiosity, and promptly stop once a boundary is communicated. Even though there was an age gap here, you were still only 13, navigating a surge of new feelings and impulses, which often places this kind of event in a different category from predatory or forced situations where there's a clear power dynamic and intent to harm.

The age difference you've described does create a power imbalance that makes this interaction inappropriate, and it sounds like you understand that. However, inappropriate doesn't automatically mean the same thing as abusive or predatory. Teenagers are still developing their understanding of boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior. This is why we provide guidance and education rather than assuming harmful intent in every situation. What distinguishes exploration from harmful behavior includes factors like intent, the nature of the interaction, whether force or coercion was used, and how someone responds when boundaries are communicated. You've described moving your hand immediately when the younger child indicated it was his private area, which shows you responded to his boundary and honored his signals by stopping. That points toward curiosity rather than abuse.

If your therapist feels it is within the realm of normal, yet inappropriate, developmental exploration, it sounds like they're acknowledging that it was not the ideal way to learn about bodies and boundaries, yet it also wasn't rooted in abuse or intent to victimize. It's completely understandable to question whether your therapist fully grasps these concepts, especially when you're seeking clarity about something so important. Therapists who specialize in sexual development and trauma do understand these nuances, though not every therapist has this specific training. If you feel uncertain about your therapist's expertise in this area, it would be reasonable to seek consultation with someone who specializes in childhood sexual development or adolescent behavior.

What you're describing sounds like a moment where your developing sexual curiosity led to inappropriate behavior that you stopped when a boundary was communicated. This doesn't mean the behavior was okay, and it doesn't erase the fact that it may have been confusing or uncomfortable for the other child. It does mean that you can hold both truths: that the behavior was inappropriate and that it doesn't define you as a person or predict future behavior. Many people have moments in their sexual development that they wish they could undo, and processing these memories with compassion for everyone involved, including yourself as a young teenager still learning, is part of healing. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 13

I became pregnant after being repeatedly sexually abused by multiple men. My baby was stillborn, and I never had DNA testing done. Is it strange that I wish I knew who her father was?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry for the overwhelming pain and loss you've been through. There is nothing weird or strange about wishing you knew who your daughter's father was. Your feelings make complete sense, and many survivors in similar situations share this desire to know.

When pregnancy results from sexual abuse, especially when multiple perpetrators were involved, not knowing paternity can add another layer of grief and complexity to an already devastating experience. You may wonder about this for many reasons. Perhaps to have a fuller sense of your daughter's identity, to understand her medical history, to find any fragment of meaning or connection after everything you endured, or simply because it feels like an important piece of information that was taken from you along with so much else. Wanting that piece of information can be a way of honoring her as well as acknowledging your own reality. The desire to know doesn't mean you're trying to maintain a connection to your abusers or that you're minimizing what happened. It's a completely natural human response to want to understand the full story of someone you carried and lost.

The loss of your daughter through stillbirth is a profound grief all on its own. When you add the trauma of how she was conceived and the uncertainty around paternity, you're navigating an incredibly complex web of emotions. You experienced violence, you experienced pregnancy, you experienced loss, and you're living with unanswered questions that can't be resolved. Each of these realities deserves acknowledgment and space. Survivors often feel a deep need to understand every aspect of what happened to them, no matter how complicated or hurtful the circumstances might have been.

Your feelings about wanting to know who her father was are valid, even if they feel confusing or uncomfortable at times. Grief and trauma don't follow predictable patterns, and there's no right or wrong way to feel about any aspect of this experience. None of your thoughts or wishes about your daughter's paternity diminish the depth of love and sorrow you carry for her. You deserve compassion and support as you continue processing everything you've been through.

If lingering questions are weighing on your heart and adding to your grief, reaching out for support can make a difference. Talking to someone who understands sexual abuse trauma, such as an advocate or counselor experienced with these issues, can help you process these very natural and human feelings. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 14

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 15

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 16

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 17

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 18

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 19

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 20

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

What does it mean to be loved?

I've been reconnecting with my sexuality and watching porn, but I came across a video of a woman being assaulted. It triggered memories of my own experience, and now I feel disgusted with porn. I'm not ready to fully process my own trauma right now. How can I navigate this?

I became pregnant after being repeatedly sexually abused by multiple men. My baby was stillborn, and I never had DNA testing done. Is it strange that I wish I knew who her father was?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

I've been reconnecting with my sexuality and watching porn, but I came across a video of a woman being assaulted. It triggered memories of my own experience, and now I feel disgusted with porn. I'm not ready to fully process my own trauma right now. How can I navigate this?

I became pregnant after being repeatedly sexually abused by multiple men. My baby was stillborn, and I never had DNA testing done. Is it strange that I wish I knew who her father was?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

What does it mean to be loved?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

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