Find Answers to Your Questions ~ MiStory Community

Question 1

My 24-year-old sister physically abuses my 50-year-old mother, and this has been happening for 3-4 years. My 53-year-old father also abuses my mother. She is beaten constantly with various objects like belts and utensils, and she bleeds from the wounds. I feel helpless watching this happen. My mother doesn't want to report it because she says it would make things complicated due to societal expectations in Indian culture, my father being the primary income earner, and my sister's upcoming marriage. What can I do to help her?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It must be incredibly difficult and heart-wrenching to witness your mother being hurt by both your sister and father. What you're experiencing is deeply traumatic, and your feelings of helplessness are completely understandable, especially when cultural and societal pressures make taking action seem complicated. Your concern for your mother's safety shows tremendous love and strength, and how much you care for her.

Your mother's reluctance to report likely stems from very real fears about economic security, social consequences, and family disruption. These concerns are valid, even as the abuse continues to cause her harm. It's important to understand that the decision to seek help ultimately rests with her, and pushing too hard can sometimes cause someone to withdraw further. Even though she may not want to report the abuse, there are still meaningful ways you can offer support.

Gently encouraging her to talk about what's happening could be a first step. Let her know that you see what's happening, that you're there for her, and that she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. You might say something like, "I've noticed you're being hurt, and I want you to know that this isn't okay and it's not your fault." Sometimes simply having one person acknowledge the reality of abuse and knowing someone is on their side can provide crucial emotional support and make a significant difference. Creating moments of connection and normalcy can also be healing. For example, spending time together, sharing meals, or engaging in activities she enjoys when possible.

You might consider reaching out to a trusted relative, close friend, or community member who could provide support or guidance. Having someone else aware of the situation may help in finding a solution that respects your mother's wishes while prioritizing her safety. If you can do so safely, consider researching local domestic violence resources, even if your mother isn't ready to use them yet. Having information available about helplines, shelters, legal aid, or counseling services means you can share these options when she's ready. Many organizations have counselors who understand cultural barriers and can work within those constraints to explore safety options.

It's also important to look after yourself during this challenging time. Your own wellbeing matters tremendously in this situation. Witnessing abuse can have a profound impact on your own well-being and can cause secondary trauma. Seeking support for yourself, whether through a confidant, professional, or by calling a domestic violence helpline yourself, can help you navigate your feelings, process what you're experiencing, and explore additional ways to help both you and your mother.

If you ever witness violence that puts your mother in immediate danger, trust your instincts about calling for emergency help. While respecting her autonomy is important, severe physical violence that threatens her life may require immediate intervention.

Remember, you don't have to face this alone. There are people and resources that can help you find a way forward, respecting your family's circumstances while aiming to protect your mother's safety. Change often happens gradually, and your consistent presence and support matter more than you might realize. You're not responsible for stopping the abuse, but your love and witness to her worth as a person can be a lifeline during an incredibly dark time. Reaching out is a courageous first step, and you deserve support just as much as your mother does. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. We appreciate you so much.

Question 2

Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. What you're describing sounds incredibly confusing and painful to carry. At such a young age, children are not capable of giving informed consent, as they don't yet have the developmental capacity, maturity, or understanding needed to truly consent to sexual activities, even with peers their own age. This isn't about intelligence or maturity -- it's simply how our brains and understanding of the world develop over time. Any experiences involving children at that age should be viewed through the lens of child development.

Children naturally explore and are curious about their bodies and others' as a normal part of growing up, which is completely normal. However, when sexual contact occurs between very young children, it often happens without a full understanding of what's taking place or its potential impact. It's important to recognize that feelings of regret or confusion about such experiences are valid. The fact that you've carried regret about this experience for so long suggests it has affected you in meaningful ways, regardless of the specific circumstances or labels we might use.

Your feelings about this experience matter more than any particular terminology. If this memory brings you distress, shame, or confusion, those responses are telling you something important about how it impacted you. Many survivors struggle with questions about consent, especially when the experience involved peers or when they remember not resisting or even participating. These complex feelings are incredibly common and don't diminish the validity of your experience or your right to heal from it.

If this is something that's causing you distress, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted professional or trauma-informed therapist who can provide support and guidance and help you process these memories and feelings in a safe space. You deserve support in working through the impact this has had on your life, and there are professionals who specialize in helping people navigate these exact kinds of complex childhood experiences. Remember that you were very young, and it's not your fault. You deserve kindness and understanding as you process these feelings. Your healing and wellbeing matter, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 3

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

When you were 11 years old, you were still very much a child, learning about yourself and the world around you. At that age, children often explore and test boundaries as part of their development, sometimes without fully understanding the appropriateness of their actions. Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a wide spectrum, and what you're describing falls into what many experts consider exploratory behavior that can occur during normal childhood development. At age 11, children are naturally curious about bodies and physical sensations, but they lack the cognitive development to fully understand concepts like consent, power dynamics, or the potential impact of their actions.

The age difference you mention does create a power imbalance that makes this behavior concerning, but it's important to understand that as an 11-year-old, you likely didn't have the developmental capacity to fully grasp these dynamics. Children often act on curiosity and physical impulses without the ability to predict or understand consequences the way adults do. Your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding complex social and emotional consequences. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides important context for understanding why it happened.

The fact that you now realize the behavior wasn't appropriate and that you feel remorse shows your growth and awareness. It's a sign of your moral development and empathy. Feeling guilty indicates that you care deeply about others and understand the importance of respecting boundaries. Many adults carry guilt about childhood behaviors that they later recognize as inappropriate or harmful. This guilt, while painful, often reflects growth and the development of a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, boundaries, and consent. The fact that you stopped this behavior and feel remorse suggests that your moral reasoning developed normally as you matured.

It's important to be compassionate with yourself. While you can't change the past, you can acknowledge your feelings and use this awareness to inform how you engage with others now. If these feelings of guilt continue to weigh heavily on you or if this experience continues to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior can be incredibly helpful. They can provide personalized support to help you process these feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human, and recognizing them is a crucial step toward personal growth. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these difficult emotions, including compassion for the child you were who was still learning about the world. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

Question 4

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 5

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 6

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 7

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 8

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 9

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 10

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Accepted Answer

Your feelings and concerns about this experience are completely valid and you're not overthinking anything. When we experience unwanted touch, even as children, our bodies and minds can hold onto those memories and the feelings they created. It's natural for you to wonder about what happened and to have questions about it now.

What you're describing falls into what experts call "problematic sexual behavior" between children. While some sexual curiosity and exploration is considered typical in childhood development, any touching that happened without your consent (regardless of the ages involved) was not okay. The fact that you remember feeling uncomfortable or that it was unwanted tells us something important about how it affected you.

Children who engage in problematic sexual behaviors are often acting out something they themselves have experienced or been exposed to. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us understand that both children in these situations may need support and healing. Neither child is typically considered "at fault" in the way we might think about adult behavior.

What matters most now is how this experience has affected you. Some people carry very little impact from childhood experiences like this, while others may notice effects on their relationships, body image, or feelings of safety. Both responses are normal. If you find that memories of this experience are causing you distress, affecting your daily life, or impacting your relationships, talking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful. They can help you process these memories and develop tools for healing.

Healing isn't about forgetting or minimizing what happened, it's about reclaiming your sense of safety and agency. You deserve support, understanding, and the space to work through whatever feelings arise about this experience. Your instincts about your own experiences are trustworthy, and seeking answers about something that doesn't feel right to you shows wisdom and self-care. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 11

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 12

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Accepted Answer

Yes, forcing or pressuring someone into a romantic relationship or into dating is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about relationships freely and without coercion. When someone tries to compel another person to be in a relationship against their will, it disregards their feelings and autonomy, which can lead to emotional distress and harm.

Forcing or pressuring someone into a relationship violates their fundamental right to make free choices about their romantic life. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and enthusiastic consent, where both people freely choose to be together. When someone uses pressure tactics like guilt, threats, manipulation, or persistent demands despite hearing "no," they're overriding the other person's autonomy and right to choose. Think about it this way: If someone has to be pressured or forced into dating you, they're not genuinely consenting to the relationship. They might agree to date you to stop the pressure, avoid conflict, or prevent negative consequences - but this isn't true consent.

This kind of pressure creates an unhealthy power dynamic from the very beginning, where one person's desires and boundaries are being disregarded. Common pressure tactics often include threatening self-harm if the person won't date you, repeatedly asking after being told no, using guilt trips or emotional manipulation, making someone feel obligated due to favors or gifts, isolating them from friends and family until they agree, using their insecurities against them, or making them feel like no one else will want them. These behaviors aim to wear down someone's resistance and ability to say no freely.

Healthy relationships develop naturally, with both people feeling safe to express their true feelings without fear of consequences. Both parties should feel free to say yes or no without pressure, and those choices should be respected. If you have to force or pressure someone to be with you, that's not a real relationship - it's a form of control that undermines the very foundations that make relationships meaningful and fulfilling.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and choices about relationships are valid. You have every right to say no if you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and that decision deserves to be respected. If you're experiencing pressure to enter or stay in a relationship, please know that this behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to make your own choices. Thank you for this question. We appreciate you asking it.

Question 13

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 14

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past.

The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. While it is natural to feel some guilt, you have the right to make choices that prioritize your safety and well-being. Avoiding the person who sexually coerced you is a completely understandable response, and it's okay to take steps to protect yourself.

We hope this goes without saying, but it is NOT your fault what happened to you. Consent needs to be clear and enthusiastic for it to be valid. No matter what the circumstances were, no one has the right to touch you without your consent. It's not your responsibility to make this person feel better or to justify your choices to anyone else. But we understand that this is a challenging situation to navigate.

It is hard to say whether or not this person knows the extent of the harm they caused. And it is up to you whether or not you feel comfortable telling them about that harm. At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you and your healing. There is no right or wrong answer, but do not sacrifice your comfort for theirs. Your feelings matter too.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. We are here for you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Question 15

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 16

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 17

When I was around 11, I had some physical contact with a younger sibling that involved body contact while we were both clothed. This happened a few times, and I didn't understand it wasn't appropriate at the time. I'm struggling with guilt about this now and wondering how to cope with these feelings.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. The guilt you're carrying is incredibly heavy, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling this way now, especially as you've grown and gained a deeper understanding of appropriate boundaries. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, though it's rarely discussed openly, which can make people feel isolated in their experiences.

When you were 11 years old, you were still a child exploring the world and learning about relationships and behaviors. At that age, your brain was still developing, particularly the areas responsible for understanding consequences, appropriate boundaries, and sexual behavior. Children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in sexual play as part of normal development, and sometimes engage in behaviors without malicious intent or awareness of inappropriateness. The fact that you didn't realize it wasn't appropriate at the time speaks to your developmental stage and the normal limitations of childhood understanding, not an intent to harm.

The guilt you're experiencing now reflects your adult understanding of appropriate boundaries and your capacity for empathy. These are actually positive qualities, even though they're causing you pain. It's important to recognize, however, that childhood sexual behavior exists on a spectrum where context matters greatly.

Dealing with guilt can be challenging, but it's also an opportunity for self-compassion and forgiveness. Processing these feelings often requires separating your adult understanding from your childhood actions. Acknowledge that your younger self didn't have the knowledge or maturity to make different choices, and remember that forgiving yourself doesn't mean dismissing what happened. It means recognizing that you've grown since then and are committed to acting with awareness and care now.

It might help to talk about your feelings with someone you trust, like a close friend or family member, who can offer support and understanding. If these feelings continue to weigh heavily on you, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in childhood sexual behavior or trauma. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your emotions further and help you work through your guilt while finding ways to move forward with kindness toward yourself. They can also help you understand the difference between accountability and self-punishment, and guide you toward healing rather than ongoing shame.

Everyone makes mistakes during childhood, and it's how we learn and grow from them that truly matters. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings, and know that it's okay to let go of the guilt and focus on the person you've become. The most important thing right now is taking care of your own emotional wellbeing and finding healthy ways to process these complex feelings.

Question 18

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Accepted Answer

First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion.

Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum.  By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

Sexual coercion can look different depending on the situation. Examples can include someone saying “You would do it if you loved me” or “You owe me.” Sexual coercion can also involve giving you drugs and alcohol to loosen up your inhibitions.

Anyone can be sexually coercive - a significant other, boss, friend. However, sexual coercion often results from some sort of power imbalance, whether it is your landlord offering an alternative to paying rent or your partner threatening a breakup.

No one has a right to your body, even if you are in a relationship or have previously consented to sex with this person. If your partner is constantly demanding sex, manipulating your birth control, or not relenting until you give in, this may also be considered sexual coercion.

Being coerced into sexual activities is manipulative and could even be considered abusive. When it comes to sexual activities, remember that you deserve to have a voice and should not have to do anything you don’t want to do.

In a healthy relationship, consent is an ongoing process. Establish boundaries with your partner early and try to be clear, honest, and direct if you don’t want to do something. If your partner is not listening to you, that may be a sign that you should leave the situation.

No matter what the situation is, it is okay to feel confused or upset. If you need more help figuring out if what happened to you is coercive, talk to a trusted professional. We believe you and you do not need to go through this alone.

Question 19

I'm struggling with a situation involving my teacher who was engaging in inappropriate behavior with me. I was 15 and he was 25. At first, I thought he was just being friendly, but his behavior progressed to making sexual implications, calling me cute, and eventually expressing romantic feelings toward me. The school is now aware and handling the situation.
My parents aren't taking action, dismissing his behavior as 'just being friendly' despite clear evidence of grooming and inappropriate romantic interest. My homeroom teacher, who witnessed the grooming behavior, is concerned about my parents' lack of response.

I'm experiencing deeply confusing feelings. Even though I know his actions were wrong, a part of me still misses him, and I find myself wanting to protect him from consequences. The word 'cute,' which used to be a favorite compliment, now feels tainted and makes me uncomfortable when anyone uses it. I feel hopeless.

I feel lost about how to move forward or heal from this experience. Without support from my parents, I don't know where to turn or what steps to take. Can you help me understand what I'm feeling and what resources might be available to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your experience and these complex feelings you're carrying. Your heart must feel so heavy right now, trying to make sense of everything that's happened. I am here with you. Let me try to provide some information to help support you and explain why your feelings make perfect sense.

When a teacher builds a relationship like this with a student, they're taking advantage of a very natural human desire to feel special and understood. At 25, your teacher knew that his role came with serious responsibilities to protect and support his students' wellbeing, not to pursue personal or romantic connections. What felt like friendship or special attention sounds like something you correctly named called grooming - where an adult carefully builds trust while slowly crossing boundaries. Understanding this process can help explain why you're feeling so confused now.

It's completely natural to have mixed feelings about someone who made you feel special, even when you know their actions were wrong. Many young people in similar situations find themselves missing the person who hurt them while simultaneously feeling hurt by their actions. This doesn't make you hopeless at all - it makes you human. These conflicting emotions often arise because grooming creates real emotional bonds, even though they're based on an unhealthy foundation.

Your reaction to the word "cute" shows how deeply this experience has affected you. When words that should be innocent compliments become tangled with manipulation and boundary violations, they can lose their joy and become painful triggers. This is a normal and unfortuntate response to what you've experienced, and it's okay to feel this way.

I hear how difficult it is that your parents aren't seeing the seriousness of this situation. It can feel incredibly lonely when the people who should protect you don't understand or validate your experience. Your homeroom teacher's concern confirms what you already know in your heart - this situation was inappropriate and concerning.

Moving forward, there are people who want to help you heal. School counselors are trained to handle situations like this with care and confidentiality. They can often connect you with specialized counselors who deeply understand what you're going through. These professionals can provide a safe space to sort through your feelings without any judgment, and they're skilled at helping young people recover from experiences like this. ChildHelp is a great online resource for you. There you can report your experience if you feel the adults in your life are not taking it seriously. They can also provide one-on-one support for situations like this through texting, call, and chat.

Remember: You did nothing wrong. Your teacher had a duty to be a safe, trustworthy adult in your life, and he chose to violate that trust. Your feelings - all of them - are valid responses to a confusing and harmful situation. You're not hopeless; you're showing incredible strength by reaching out and trying to understand what happened to you.

Take care of yourself. You deserve all the support and understanding in the world as you navigate this journey. You do not have to do this alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 20

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Welcome to MiStory.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

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