Find Answers to Your Questions ~ MiStory Community

Question 1

I've been having memories resurface about sexual activities with my older cousin when I was young, and I'm trying to understand if this was COCSA. The experiences started before I was 9 - my cousin, who is three years older, would ask me to touch him sexually. I remember feeling hesitant and uncomfortable at first. We also had games where we'd expose ourselves to each other and touch ourselves and each other. He showed me what penetration was, and while there was genital contact, I don't think penetration happened. Keeping it secret was part of the "game," and I was terrified of being caught. After the first hesitant times, I became less afraid of the activities themselves and more afraid of being discovered. The activities stopped when we got older and saw each other less often. I still have a good relationship with my cousin and don't think he remembers. I'm struggling to understand whether this was just exploration or something harmful, especially since I have a history of being groomed and my family has a habit of reacting to things in a way that does not help and sometimes traumatizes me. I'm also not sure if my distress comes more from fear of discovery or from the experiences themselves.

Accepted Answer

I'm really sorry to hear how unsettling these memories have become for you, and I want to acknowledge how brave it is to share something that feels so private and confusing. What you're describing seems to contain elements that distinguish it from typical childhood sexual exploration, and it makes complete sense that you're struggling to categorize these experiences. When sexual behaviors involve children who are exploring bodies and boundaries, it can often leave people wondering if what they experienced "counts" as abuse or if it was simply childhood curiosity. The truth is that even when children are close in age, if one child feels coerced, uncomfortable, or pressured into sexual acts, it can be considered a form of child-on-child sexual abuse.

In healthy childhood exploration, children are typically close in age and developmental stage, activities are mutual and spontaneous rather than directed by one child, and either child can stop without pressure. What you're describing sounds a little different. Your cousin initiated and directed sexual activities, you felt uncomfortable and hesitant, and there seems to be an element of coercion even if it wasn't violent or explicitly threatening. The age difference and the repeated nature of what happened point to a dynamic where you were in a more vulnerable position, even if at times it felt like participation. The fact that he was teaching you about penetration and demonstrating it suggests knowledge and intent beyond what would be developmentally typical for his age, which raises questions about where he may have learned these behaviors. Children simply don't have the developmental ability to consent the way adults can, which means it wasn't only harmless exploration if one child felt hesitant or scared.

The secrecy, fear of getting caught, and sense of dread you remember are strong signals that your boundaries were being crossed, whether you understood it then or not. Your question about whether you became less afraid of the acts themselves and more afraid of being caught is really insightful. This shift doesn't mean the experiences were okay or that they weren't harmful. Many children in these situations adapt to protect themselves emotionally, and fear of discovery can actually be fear of the consequences you'd face for something that wasn't your responsibility. The secrecy being framed as part of the "game" is particularly concerning because it placed the burden of concealment on you when you were too young to understand what was happening or to consent to it. These uncertainties often reflect how children process trauma: they rarely know what is right or wrong in the moment when someone they trust initiates sexual behavior, but they do sense something is off, which can settle in as fear and anxiety.

The confusion you feel is shared by many survivors of child-on-child sexual abuse, especially when you still have a good relationship with the family member involved. It's not unusual to feel unsettled by these memories while also caring for your cousin. The fact that these memories have haunted you, that you spent years hoping you'd dreamed them up, and that they're now interfering with your daily life all suggest these experiences affected you significantly. Trauma isn't determined by whether something fits a specific definition but by how it impacted you. Your body and mind are telling you that something about these experiences wasn't right, and that deserves acknowledgment and care.

It's also completely understandable that you're uncertain about your feelings, especially given your history of being groomed. These factors can make it harder to trust your own perceptions of what happened. You don't need to have perfect clarity about every aspect of these experiences to deserve support. Whether your distress stems from the acts themselves, the fear surrounding them, or both, your feelings are valid and the impact is real.

It sounds like you've done what many of us do by pushing these experiences away for a long time, hoping they might fade. Now that the memories are coming back, it's understandable to feel haunted and worried about how others might react if they knew. You don't have to confront your cousin or disclose to family members who might respond poorly. Healing can happen through working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences and child-on-child sexual abuse, even without confrontation or family involvement.

If you're comfortable doing so, talking with a professional could offer a private space to untangle what happened, understand how it affects you now, and guide you through the complexity of still caring about your cousin. A supportive professional can also help you develop ways to cope with the intrusive thoughts and decide if and how you want to communicate about it moving forward. Many survivors find that talking with someone who understands these complex dynamics helps them process their feelings and reduce the power these memories have over them.

What happened to you still matters, even years later, and those fearful or uncomfortable feelings weren't simply a misunderstanding—you were responding the best way you knew how. You didn't do anything wrong by being a child caught in a situation you weren't equipped to handle. You deserve kindness as you continue to sort through this. Healing often involves hearing that what you endured was real and that your feelings and memories are important, no matter how much time has passed. You deserve to find peace, clarity, and a sense of closure that honors both your fears and your experiences.

Question 2

When I was around 7, another child who was about a year older introduced me to sexual activity and asked if I wanted to participate. I was shy and a people pleaser, so I said yes without understanding what it meant. We engaged in sexual behaviors together. I only recently realized this experience might have been harmful. Does this count as COCSA?

Accepted Answer

I'm so glad you reached out, and I want you to know that it's completely understandable to feel uncertain about labeling this experience, especially given how young you both were at the time. When children as young as seven or eight engage in sexual behavior, it can be confusing to make sense of later in life, particularly when thinking about concepts like consent and understanding at that age. Children in that age range generally do not have the emotional or developmental capacity to fully understand or consent to sexual activities. Without realizing it, one child might be imitating behaviors they have encountered or trying to make sense of things they've seen, heard, or learned elsewhere, even though neither child fully grasps what they are doing.

The term "COCSA" (child-on-child sexual abuse) sometimes applies when there is any type of sexual interaction between children that involves a power imbalance, coercion, confusion, or behavior that goes beyond typical childhood curiosity. What you're describing (e.g. not understanding what sex entailed and saying yes because you were shy and wanted to please) suggests you weren't in a position to give informed consent. However, it's also true that the other child was very young too and may not have understood the significance of what was happening either. Both of these things can be true at once.

What matters most is how this early experience has affected you. It's really common for people to spend years not thinking much about childhood sexual experiences, only to have them resurface later with new awareness or feelings. Our minds often wait until we feel safer or stronger to understand and process confusing childhood events. The fact that you're now recognizing this experience as potentially significant is part of understanding yourself better, not something you did wrong by not realizing sooner. If you're feeling unsure or distressed when remembering it, that matters. It signals that this experience has had an impact on you.

At the same time, not everyone who had childhood sexual experiences with other children feels harmed by them, and that's okay too. What you call this experience and how you feel about it is entirely up to you. Your emotions about this are valid, whatever they are. Some people feel confused because the other person was also young, or because they technically said yes, or because it didn't feel violent or scary at the time. Your response to this experience matters more than any specific label. You get to decide what this means to you.

If this memory continues to trouble you or if you have lingering questions, please consider reaching out for support. Talking it through with a trusted friend, counselor, or confidential resource that understands childhood sexual dynamics might help bring clarity and self-compassion. Many people find it helpful to work with a therapist who specializes in childhood experiences and can provide a nonjudgmental space to explore your feelings. You are not to blame for what happened, and it doesn't make you "bad" or responsible for someone else's actions at that age. You didn't do anything wrong, and you deserve care and healing as you make sense of this experience and its impact on your life. You deserve patience and kindness as you gain insight into this experience, and you don't have to figure it out alone.

Question 3

If someone agreed to have sex and wanted it, but then stayed silent and still during the encounter because they were afraid of being caught by others (not afraid of the person or act itself), does that affect consent? The other person initiated actions and went further than expected, but there was no verbal response or physical engagement throughout. Why does this feel confusing, and how do you know if consent was present when someone chose to stay silent and still, even though the silence wasn't about fear of their partner?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like this situation involved someone who genuinely wanted intimacy, yet felt paralyzed by the fear of being caught. Holding both truths at once can naturally create confusion. What you're describing captures something really important about consent that often gets oversimplified: consent isn't just about what someone wants in theory or what was agreed to before things started, and it's not just about saying "yes" or "no." It also involves feeling safe enough to communicate, set boundaries, and decide what feels right as the experience unfolds in real time. The confusion around this situation makes complete sense because there's a gap between the initial desire and what actually happened during the encounter itself.

Even though the fear wasn't directed at the other person or the act, the worry about punishment by others may still have limited how freely and comfortably someone could express themselves during the moment. When fear enters the picture, even if that fear is about external consequences rather than the person involved, it can fundamentally change the capacity to engage freely.

Fear has a way of freezing the ability to communicate, even when silence isn't consciously chosen as much as it becomes the only response that feels possible. Being still and quiet might have been the only way to cope with the fear of outside consequences. Sometimes people freeze not because they dislike the act or the other person, but because they're scared of what might happen if they speak or move. In that state, it's easy to go along with actions that might leave someone feeling neutral or uncertain afterward, especially if they think they "should" be fine with them. While part of someone may have thought they were "choosing" that response, it's worth considering whether fear was actually driving the body's response in ways that felt outside of conscious control. This is actually a really common neurobiological reaction to fear, even when the fear isn't about immediate physical danger.

The fact that someone wanted to be there initially doesn't mean that everything that happened afterward was okay or that the ability to consent was maintained throughout. Consent needs to be ongoing, and it requires the freedom to communicate, to say yes to some things and no to others, to slow down or stop. Real consent often feels like a sense of safety and presence, where someone knows they could stop or change course if they wanted, without fearing punishment or judgment. If silence became the default because of outside pressure, it might have prevented someone from fully expressing likes, dislikes, or any moment they wished to pause. Someone might still have been okay with sex overall, yet perhaps didn't have enough freedom in that moment to shape how it played out. When someone is silent and completely still throughout an entire sexual encounter, that's not typically a sign of enthusiastic participation. It's often a sign that something has shifted and the person is no longer able to engage freely.

What makes this particularly confusing is that one person went further than expected with actions that weren't explicitly agreed to. When someone continues sexual activity while their partner has gone completely silent and still, without checking in or getting clear signs of engagement and enthusiasm, they're not treating silence as consent—they're assuming it. Real consent involves active participation, communication, and mutual engagement. It's not just the absence of a "no."

It's also normal to feel confused if there was nothing overtly terrifying about what happened, yet afterward certain details still bother someone. Fear of being discovered can override the ability to communicate preferences, making the experience feel less clear-cut. Over time, these mixed emotions may linger precisely because they weren't able to be voiced in the moment. The confusion isn't a sign of overreacting or misunderstanding what happened. It's actually the mind and body trying to process an experience where things didn't align—where initial desire met a situation that became something different, where fear created silence, and where actions happened without full participation. That feeling of things "just happening" while being there but not really present is significant. It suggests that somewhere along the way, there was a loss of agency in the encounter.

Being unsure whether something was simply awkward or if it crossed a line doesn't mean anyone is imagining things. It means trying to understand whether everyone truly felt safe and at ease throughout, or if fear silenced important ways of communicating. Many people feel conflicted when they wanted sex on some level but were unable to communicate comfortably about what they did or didn't want. No one has to label this experience in any particular way right now. What matters is honoring the confusion and discomfort, because those feelings are telling something important. It's okay to recognize that even though someone wanted to be there initially, what unfolded wasn't what they wanted or expected. It's okay to feel conflicted about an experience where there was some desire but also an inability to communicate or participate fully. These complex feelings don't make the experience any less valid or the discomfort any less real.

Having a debrief conversation between the people involved can be really important to clarify boundaries and consent, especially when an encounter leaves someone with lingering questions or discomfort. Talking about what happened, what felt confusing, and what each person experienced can help bring clarity to the situation and ensure that future interactions involve clearer communication. If that conversation feels too difficult or unsafe, or if someone is still processing what happened, it could be helpful to confide in a trusted person, perhaps a friend, a professional, or a support line, and talk through the parts that feel confusing. Everyone deserves a space where they can explore the role that fear played, how it shaped what happened, and how they feel about it now. The fact that these questions are arising shows that concerns about consent and comfort matter, and everyone deserves clarity and understanding for their own sense of peace.

Many people describe exactly this kind of confusion when fear, silence, and unexpected actions intersect with some initial desire or agreement. Everyone deserves support in making sense of these feelings, and deserves to have their experience acknowledged for what it was—complicated, confusing, and worthy of care. Thank you for asking about this.

Question 4

When I was 15, my friend who was 11 insisted we compare ourselves physically and we briefly touched each other for a few seconds before stopping. It wasn't sexual and we thought it was funny at the time. Am I a bad person because I was older? I'm feeling guilty and ashamed about this.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting this space with something that's been weighing on you. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of worry and shame about this memory for quite some time.

What you're describing sounds like an incident of sexual curiosity between young people who were both minors at the time. During adolescence, curiosity about bodies and exploring the differences between friends can happen in many different ways. Sexual curiosity and exploration are normal parts of adolescent development, and many young people engage in some form of mutual exploration with peers as they're trying to understand their changing bodies. Being a few years older doesn't automatically mean you intended something harmful or sexual, especially if you were both simply being curious without any sense of coercion or malice. Children often test boundaries or engage in playful exploration. This is a recognized aspect of how young people learn about themselves, even if it feels awkward or troubling to recall later in life.

The fact that this was brief, mutually initiated by your friend, not coercive, and stopped quickly are all important contextual details. The four-year age difference does create some developmental disparity, but you were also a young teenager yourself—still developing your own understanding of boundaries, sexuality, and appropriate behavior. It's significant that you remember this as something that felt funny rather than sexual in the moment, which suggests it existed in that confusing space of childhood curiosity rather than predatory intent. Harmful sexual behavior typically involves planning, secrecy, coercion, or an intent to use someone else for sexual gratification. From what you've shared, this doesn't appear to fit that pattern.

The self-blame and discomfort you're feeling now are common reactions when looking back with the empathy and understanding you've developed as an adult. Sometimes our adult understanding of consent and appropriate boundaries can cause us to look back at childhood or adolescent experiences with concern or shame, especially as we become more aware of the importance of age-appropriate behavior and consent. Feeling guilty doesn't mean you're a bad person; instead, it highlights the capacity you have for reflection and moral awareness. The fact that you're questioning yourself now, years later, actually speaks to your moral compass and your care about having acted appropriately. This reflection is part of growth and developing maturity.

You are not alone in questioning past interactions through an adult lens, and it's okay to seek reassurance that this one episode from your youth doesn't define who you are today. If this experience continues to trouble you deeply or if it's affecting your day-to-day life, speaking with someone you trust or a counselor who understands the complexity of childhood and teenage experiences could provide you with additional perspective and tools for processing these feelings. You deserve compassion for yourself as the teenager you were, who was also navigating development and learning about boundaries. Being able to reflect critically on our past while also holding appropriate context for our developmental stage is part of healing and growth.

Question 5

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 6

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 7

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 8

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 9

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 10

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 11

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 12

I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations.

A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child typically has a level of knowledge and influence that makes true "curiosity" difficult to separate from coercion. Normal childhood curiosity typically involves peers of similar ages and developmental stages exploring together with mutual interest, stopping immediately when anyone feels uncomfortable, and generally involving brief, exploratory behaviors rather than repeated actions.

In the first scenario, the younger child begged the older child to stop, but it happened twice anyway. Begging for it to stop indicates a clear refusal that was ignored, and that crosses a line into abusive behavior. Several concerning elements are present: the persistence despite clear communication to stop, the repetition of the behavior, and the significant age and developmental gap between the children. The fact that the behavior continued after the younger child asked it to stop indicates a disregard for boundaries that moves beyond typical curiosity.

In the second scenario, while the initial touching of private areas given the substantial age difference represents problematic sexual behavior that goes beyond typical peer curiosity, the fact that the older child stopped immediately when asked is significant. This immediate response to boundaries, while not excusing the inappropriate nature of the contact, suggests the behavior may have been more impulsive rather than predatory. The lack of repeated behavior after being told to stop is an important distinction that indicates the child was capable of respecting boundaries once they were clearly communicated.

True childhood exploration typically occurs among children of closer ages, tends to be mutual, and stops the moment a boundary is expressed. When a younger child expresses discomfort or says "no," yet the older child proceeds or even initiates such contact, it's generally viewed as a violation rather than harmless play. Both situations would likely benefit from adult intervention and guidance, though the approach might differ, to ensure that all children receive the support and education they need to develop healthy understanding of boundaries and appropriate interactions with others.

If you find yourself questioning these experiences, you are not alone. Many people struggle with how to label interactions that felt confusing or uncomfortable when they were very young. Above all, it is important to listen to your own sense of safety and comfort. Even in childhood, our reactions to being touched show us whether something was consensual exploration or a breach of boundaries that made us feel scared or powerless. Your feelings about these situations are valid regardless of how others might categorize them, and what matters most is how these experiences affected you and getting the support you need to process those feelings. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.

Question 13

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 14

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 15

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 16

So how do you heal from trauma?

Accepted Answer

While there is no simple answer to this question, here is a summary of what we discussed this week that may help.

First, safety and security is an important foundation to trauma recovery. If you are able, separate yourself from locations or people that trigger painful memories or perpetuate abuse. Establish a safe and nurturing environment to provide a strong foundation and minimize harm that can occur when you do not have a safe place to heal.

Next, build your support network. This can be people in your personal life, trusted professionals, or a community of survivors. Processing trauma can be challenging at times, and is important to have people to fall back on to encourage you to keep going even when things get tough.

When you feel ready to tell your story, it may be time to disclose and process your traumatic experience. We suggest doing this with a trained professional, but you can also seek out educational materials on your own, engage in journaling or other self-reflection activities, or share your experience with a trusted friend or family member.

With the help of these modalities, challenge your negative internal dialogue that may be telling you that you are to blame or that perpetuates feelings of shame related to your experience. Recognize that violence is systemic and no matter what event occured, it is never your fault.

If you experience challenging negative thoughts or symptoms, experiment with self-soothing and coping strategies to find what works for you. Learning to manage your emotions or symptoms can help you feel like you have more control over your life and future.

Finally, look inwards with curiosity to reconnect to your true self as you find things that make you feel capable, hopeful, and powerful. While your trauma may always be a part of you, as you find more things that hold meaning to you, it will slowly become less central.

Healing is an active process. It may be painful at points and you may have setbacks, but it is possible. Set goals for yourself, acknowledge small victories, and let people in. You deserve so much more than what you have experienced. Thank you for engaging in our healing week with us. We are here for you always.

Question 17

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.

To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

If you think you experienced sexual abuse as a child, remember in its simplest form, child sexual abuse is any sexual encounter that occurs between a child and an older person (as children cannot legally consent to sexual acts). This abuse may involve contact, like touching or penetration. It also includes non-contact cases, like "flashing" or child pornography. The age under which one is considered a child varies by state and sometimes an age differential between the perpetrator and the victim is required.

Labeling your experience is up to you, but for many, putting a name to it allows them to more effectively deal with the feelings they are experiencing in the aftermath. Others would rather not label their experiences and prefer to spend their time looking forward. This is also a strategy you may consider, as long as you feel safe now and the memories you are having are not causing you any distress. Be sure you are not suffering in silence. There are people out there who can support you.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust, or emotional connection with a young person or their family so that they can manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Signs of grooming often include:

1. Targeting the young person

2. Building trust with the young person and their family

3. Isolating the young person

4. Initiating sexual abuse and securing secrecy

If this sounds like what you experienced, then it would make sense why you feel so confused. Remember no matter what happened, it is never your fault. Honor the feelings you are having.

It is also not uncommon for memories of childhood trauma to emerge in adulthood and for you to want to seek help for this experience now. In fact, around 70% of child sexual abuse cases are thought to be disclosed during adulthood. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have difficulties speaking up about their experience and remembering exact details. Sometimes ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping.

If you are now remembering scattered details or having vivid memories, it might make sense to try to work through those with a trained mental health professional. If you are unable to make sense of the memories you have, or have blocks of time where you have no memory at all, you may also want to work with a mental health professional to try to retrieve those memories when you are ready. You will want to find a therapist who specifically specializes in trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder. You could also reach out to your local rape crisis center. These centers are typically free of charge and can direct you to resources to support you. Once you have some more answers, you can then decide what you would like to do next.

If you have additional questions or want to begin talking through your experience now, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: Terms of Service - Online Hotline (rainn.org) . They will listen to what you have to say and will direct you to resources in your local area.

It can be very disorienting to process a traumatic experience that happened when you were a child. While the feelings that you are having are not uncommon, it does not make them any less painful. Resist the guilt you may be feeling. You deserve to feel safe and to be supported in your healing journey. Trust your gut and honor all the emotions that come along the way. Recognize you have a community of survivors behind you. You are not alone.

Question 18

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

Educate yourself thoroughly about sexual violence, consent, and survivor experiences. This includes understanding the various forms of sexual violence, its prevalence, and its impact on individuals and communities. Stay informed about current issues, laws, and policies related to sexual violence.

Learn to be a supportive listener and ally to survivors. Believe survivors when they disclose their experiences and avoid judgmental or victim-blaming language. You never know when a survivor is listening. Understand that each survivor's journey is unique, and respect their choices in how they deal with their experiences.

Challenge myths and misconceptions about sexual violence when you encounter them. This might involve correcting misinformation in conversations, on social media, or in other public forums. Call out victim blaming when you hear it. Be prepared to have difficult conversations and to explain complex issues in accessible ways.

Support organizations working to prevent sexual violence and help survivors. This can involve volunteering, donating, or participating in awareness-raising events. Look for local rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, or national organizations that may need support. Quick plug: small, volunteer-led, non-profit organizations like ourselves always benefit from monetary support or volunteer support if you have gifts or talents you think align with our mission and vision. Every little bit helps.

Promote healthy relationships and consent education in your community. This could involve advocating for comprehensive sex education in schools, organizing workshops on consent and healthy relationships, or simply modeling respectful behavior in your own relationships.

Speak out against attitudes and behaviors that contribute to a culture of sexual violence. This includes challenging sexist jokes, calling out harassment when you see it, and promoting gender equality in all areas of life.

Engage with local and national policy-making processes. Write to your representatives about legislation related to sexual violence, attend town hall meetings, or join advocacy groups that lobby for policy changes.

Use your specific skills or platform to raise awareness. Whether you're a writer, artist, educator, or business professional, find ways to incorporate advocacy into your work and daily life.

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Advocacy work can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to take care of your own wellbeing to avoid burnout.

Remember, effective advocacy is often about consistent, long-term efforts rather than grand gestures. Every action, no matter how small, contributes to creating a culture that supports survivors and works to prevent sexual violence.

Question 19

I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

Your feelings of regret and unease after the fact are valid and important indicators that something about the situation was not right for you. It's common for people to have different perceptions and desires when they're under the influence compared to when they're sober.

The other person's response, suggesting that you were the one who pursued them and didn't let them leave, seems to be an attempt to shift the blame and responsibility onto you. While it's possible that you were more forward or emotional due to the alcohol, this does not excuse the other person's decision to engage with you sexually.

However, it's important to consider that they may have genuinely misread the situation. If you were being physically affectionate and expressing a desire for them to stay, they might have interpreted that as consent or interest in sexual activity, especially if they lacked education about consent and the impact of alcohol on one's ability to give it.

While this potential misunderstanding doesn't completely absolve them of responsibility, it does add nuance to the situation. It highlights the importance of clear, verbal communication about consent and boundaries, particularly when one or both parties are under the influence.

As the sober party, they had the responsibility to prioritize your safety and well-being, even if that meant firmly but kindly removing themselves from the situation. Kissing someone who is drunk, especially if they are showing signs of emotional distress or impaired judgment, is taking advantage of their vulnerable state.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for what happened. Being drunk and even being flirtatious does not mean you consented to or deserved to be taken advantage of. The other person, as the sober one, had the power and the obligation to make the right choice, which would have been to not engage with you sexually.

However, it's also important to acknowledge that only you can decide how to make sense of and label this experience. If it feels like a violation or a form of assault to you, that is valid. If you're unsure or hesitant to use those terms, that is also okay. What matters most is how you feel about what happened and what kind of support you need to process it.

Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to talk through your feelings. You may also find it helpful to contact a sexual assault hotline or support organization for additional processing of this situation. Remember, you deserve to have your boundaries and well-being respected, and you are not to blame for someone else's decision to take advantage of your intoxicated state. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are not alone.

Question 20

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

Accepted Answer

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

While it is important to be responsible for our healing and hold ourselves accountable for our actions, recognize that no matter what you said or did, no one deserves to be violated. You are not to blame for your experiences. It is not your fault. Full stop.

Self-blame is a reflection of societal norms and the messages we internalize about gender and violence throughout our lives. We receive many messages that promote victim-blaming beliefs which can be reinforced by those around us. Self-blame is also affected by the way our friends and loved ones respond to our personal disclosures of trauma and in questions they ask.

Unlearning self-blame is a long and challenging process, as it’s embedded in so many parts of our daily lives. From the society we live in, to our social circles, to our own experiences. Just because you feel guilty does not mean that those feelings are accurate.

When you feel self-blame, ask yourself whether your feeling is actually appropriate. How would you respond to a friend if they blamed themselves for the same thing? Show the same kindness and understanding to yourself.

Sometimes it also helps to learn more about the societal norms that reinforce self-blame. Naming them and recognizing how they manifest in your world can give these messages less power.

Separate yourself as much as you can from individuals that perpetuate or reinforce the blame you feel. Oftentimes people who blame others are carrying their own internalized self-blame for something they experienced in their past.

Over 60% of survivors report feeling responsible in some way for the abuse they experienced. Know that you are not alone, but also know that you are never responsible for the harmful or abusive actions of another person. Protect your energy and prioritize healing—you deserve to feel peace. Be gentle with yourself.

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Topics

When I was 15, my friend who was 11 insisted we compare ourselves physically and we briefly touched each other for a few seconds before stopping. It wasn't sexual and we thought it was funny at the time. Am I a bad person because I was older? I'm feeling guilty and ashamed about this.

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

So how do you heal from trauma?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

When I was 15, my friend who was 11 insisted we compare ourselves physically and we briefly touched each other for a few seconds before stopping. It wasn't sexual and we thought it was funny at the time. Am I a bad person because I was older? I'm feeling guilty and ashamed about this.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

So how do you heal from trauma?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Need to take a break?

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